


In Treatment

by bitboozy



Series: Domesticated [46]
Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Rated E only for the bonus chapter, Romance, The rest of the story highest rating is M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:34:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24883159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitboozy/pseuds/bitboozy
Summary: Ellie goes back into therapy, and other tales.
Relationships: Alec Hardy & Ellie Miller, Alec Hardy/Ellie Miller
Series: Domesticated [46]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1550554
Comments: 108
Kudos: 128





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ellie and Alec are watching "Wild Rose," which is set in Glasgow. I watched it the other night (fabulous btw) and couldn't help imagining THEM watching it. So, here you go.

It’s been nearly three years since Ellie saw her therapist. She’d stopped when things in her life began gradually improving – or perhaps it was simply because finding a whole hour a week to drive thirty minutes there and back was just too daunting, too time-consuming. For a while she’d missed it. But then she and Alec had entered into a relationship and things felt, well, _good_. Better. And she was suddenly even busier than ever.

Dr. Julie Keller had been extremely surprised to get Ellie’s call requesting to resume their work together. This sort of thing doesn’t happen often, patients coming and going. Fortunately, she’d just lost a patient to a move overseas so it _was_ possible for her schedule to accommodate Ellie’s return.

Seated in Dr. Keller’s office, Ellie is immediately flooded with memories from all those years ago. She remembers distinctly how she felt at the time, the way she was somehow numb and furious all at once, all the time. How alone she’d been. How hopeless she’d felt.

It’s a strange sensation to return to and there are several moments when Ellie wishes she had never stepped into this office again. But Dr. Keller’s calming presence quickly dispels that notion.

“It’s good to see you, Ellie,” she says. “You look wonderful.”

“Oh.” Ellie looks down, as if expecting to see herself in a ball gown or the like.

“What brings you back today?”

“Oh, um.” She crosses and uncrosses her legs anxiously. “Quite a lot on at the moment. Lots of it good, you know, but um. A lot. And I just thought it would…be good, I s’pose. Why not.”

“Well, you know why not, don’t you?” The question is not pointed or judgmental. “You chose not to be in therapy for…what is it, nearly three years? So there is a why not.”

“Yes, yeah. And I’d survive without it, to be sure. But I think I can be… _better_. With it.”

Dr. Keller nods. “I’m glad to hear it.”

Ellie shifts again, tucking her feet under her legs. “I had a miscarriage last week.”

“…I’m so sorry to hear that.” It’s clear she’s surprised, on many levels.

The look on Dr. Keller’s face plainly informs Ellie that she has _much_ to catch her up on. Dr. Keller does not know the first thing about what her life looks like now.

“…Alec Hardy and I got married,” she blurts out.

Taken aback, Dr. Keller’s mind begins to race as she flips through her old notes. “Alec Hardy, your old boss? The detective who – “

“Yes.”

“You got _married_.”

Ellie nods. “About three months ago. We’ve been together for a little over two years. Have an eight-month-old baby.”

Dr. Keller stares at her. Ellie has a feeling therapists are not supposed to convey quite so much _shock_ on their faces, but she can hardly blame her. Her life has changed so much and so quickly.

“…Wow. That’s – congratulations are in order, it seems.”

“It’s quite nice actually,” Ellie says. “We’ve become quite the little family. His daughter, my boys. Our little one. We’re all Hardys now, by the way.”

Dr. Keller blinks at her, then says, “I’ll have to change the name on your file.”

There’s quiet for a moment, the silence between them vast and heavy.

“…I think you’ll need to start a ways back, Ellie. If you don’t mind,” Dr. Keller says finally. “I think our work here will be more productive if you give me at least a bit of a…recap of the last few years.”

“Right.” Ellie nods, then bites her lip. Does this mean to tell the story of the last two and a half years? How on earth is she going to manage that in one session?

She figures it out, somehow. She tells Dr. Keller about the night she and Alec finally came clean about their feelings, leveling up with both their first kiss and their first shag all in one. She tells her about sneaking around, secret-keeping at the office, and then eventually being outed at work the day she was shot at. (After this, Dr. Keller stares at her, waiting for more information on the injury. But Ellie has no trauma associated with it and frankly little to say.) Stories of the children follow, how she got to know Daisy better and how Alec bonded with the boys. How they’d decided to move in together after only two months of dating. (“It never really felt like dating,” Ellie says. “It was a done deal from day one.”) She spends a fair amount of time discussing how it felt learning she was pregnant with Aila. How her mind had changed, how amazing Alec had been, how they came to the decision to have the baby. (Dr. Keller is impressed – she’s never seen Dr. Keller impressed before.) There is then a brief recap of her pregnancy, of how the family got closer because of it, and how she’d felt. Then time is spent on their decision to get married, after months of insisting and promising they never would. Ellie tells her about their odd evening with Jenny and Hal, kissing a woman for the first time, and how that miraculously led to a discussion of marriage. Then she tells her about Alec’s official proposal – it’s been ages since she’s thought about it and returning to the memory is purely delightful and a little emotional. They move on to Aila’s preterm birth, the weeks in the NICU, and then the integration of an infant into their lives. She continues to speak for a good while about Aila, as any mother of an adorable infant is wont to do. Then she regales her with tales from their wedding, with a brief mention of their honeymoon, followed by Fred’s decision to start calling Alec “Dad” and the boys both becoming legal Hardys. She hesitates before bringing up how they’ve reconnected with Joe’s mum – this will surely lead to more talk of Joe down the line, which she is very uninterested in. She alludes to when Hal kissed her and the awkwardness that followed. Then she finishes with the recent miscarriage.

Both she and Dr. Keller seem exhausted when she is through.

“…I reckon that’s all we have time for today,” Ellie says, cringing.

Dr. Keller looks at the clock. “Looks like it. Perhaps an additional session this week?”

Ellie thinks about it. “Just this once. To help speed things along.”

*

“It’s about Glasgow.”

Alec squints, leaning forward to read what’s on the television screen. “ _No_ , it’s about Rose-Lynn, a woman on a quest to become a country music star, while also grappling with the responsibilities of being recently released from prison and a young mother of two children.”

Ellie stares back at him incredulously. “ _In Glasgow_.”

He sighs, resigned as she hits play. He leans back into the corner of the couch where he can drape one arm on the back of it and the other on the overstuffed arm of it. _Dad Couch Mode unlocked_ , Daisy would say. Ellie curls up with him, leaning back against him, head resting back on his shoulder, feet tucked underneath her. They each have a glass of wine on the coffee table and all is quiet. A nice, quiet evening ahead of them.

“Have you been there?” Ellie questions, thirty seconds into the film.

“…To the women’s prison in Stirling?” He raises an eyebrow, though she is not looking at him. “No, no I have not.”

And then, roughly five minutes later, “Have you been _there_?”

“ _No_ ,” he grumbles. “I have not been to the bloody Grand Ole Opry in Glasgow.”

“Just _wondering_.”

He chuckles quietly to himself, then finds her hand and threads their fingers together. She’s quiet for the next thirty minutes.

*

Once again, it’s tricky to know where to start at Ellie’s next therapy appointment. They covered so much so quickly, albeit in a very cursory manner, last time. Where to dig back in? How to integrate the present? She never should have stopped going, she realizes. There is a benefit to therapy no matter _how_ happy you are or how well things seem to be going.

As a detective, Ellie spends much of her days asking questions. She finds that in her appointments she prefers if Dr. Keller leads her somewhere, rather than waiting for her to start. Shouldn’t Dr. Keller know which areas of her life need examining? Isn’t that her job?

But no, she keeps asking what _she_ wants to talk about.

“Do you want to discuss your miscarriage?” Dr. Keller asks finally, believing this to be the impetus for Ellie’s return to therapy.

“No.” Ellie looks down. “Maybe, not yet.” She herself has no idea why.

Dr. Keller appears as if she expected this response. She smiles. “Tell me about Alec. How about that then.”

Ellie can feel her cheeks grow warm. How absurd. To be caught blushing at the mere mention of her husband. “He’s lovely.”

“…Go on.” She crosses her one leg over the other. “You have to remember, Ellie, that when last we worked together, Alec was a very different person to you than he is now. Primarily a source of…well, frustration and annoyance.”

This sparks something in Ellie. “Did you know then? Did you have an inkling that I might have feelings for him?”

Dr. Keller offers her a sort of noncommittal shrug. “I wondered. Ranting is fairly typical in a session but ranting quickly burns itself out. You had the ability to discuss Alec at length and often seemed quite eager to.”

“He was in love with me before I started seeing you. Believes he realized it the minute he knew Joe was responsible for Danny’s death.”

Dr. Keller nods. “I wondered that too.”

“Why?”

“Well, based on what you shared with me, it seemed fairly clear that he was trying to connect with you,” she replies. “Sometimes even physically. But you wouldn’t let anyone touch you then. Except your children of course.”

“Yeah.” Ellie stares at her lap. “Touch is his love language actually. I know that now.”

Dr. Keller smiles. “You go in for all that, do you?”

Ellie smiles too. “Ah, only insomuch as it seems relevant to us, we’ve not read the book or anything like that. But for Alec it’s incredibly clear. Touch is more or less how he communicates, though he’s gotten quite a bit better at talking.”

“And what do you reckon is _your_ ‘love language’?”

“Words of affirmation,” Ellie replies. “Which is a bit misleading I think, ‘cause it’s not about…you know, positive reinforcement and all that, I don’t need to be _complimented_ and coddled. It’s the words that are important and they provide the affirmation just in and of themselves, you know? An honest conversation, to me, is love.”

“And you and Alec have managed to compromise then?”

Ellie nods. “Fairly well. Took some time though. I open myself up more to touch and he pushes himself to talk things through more. I think just being _aware_ of what the other person is after makes it easier. When he’s upset or things are difficult, I know what he needs. And if I feel I can’t give it to him, I say that. So he knows I know. Does that make sense?”

“It does,” Dr. Keller agrees. “Consciousness is more than half the battle in relationships. It’s about paying attention. _Trying_ , even when you don’t succeed.”

“Exactly, yes.”

*

Ellie sits up straight while Alec kneads into her lower back. The film is about halfway through and they are both rapt even as he massages her.

“Those poor wee ones,” Alec says, focused on the screen.

“Mm.” She moans a bit as his thumb presses into her spine. “She’s trying. She’s doing her best.”

“That isn’t anyone’s best,” he argues.

“Who are you to say what anyone’s best is?” Her head falls back and she groans with pleasure. “Oh god that’s good.”

Alec is frowning at the television. “How hard is it to put one’s children first? It’s fairly basic.”

“Just watch the bloody film, will you?”

His hands move up her spine a bit. Somehow his hands are always able to intuit exactly what her body needs, even when he’s hardly paying attention.

They barely notice the front door open and close until Tom strides down the hallway and they catch a glimpse of him.

“Hello, lovely!” Ellie uses the remote to pause the film.

“Hey there, mate.”

Tom doubles back and stops in the doorway. “Heya.”

“How’s your day been?”

He continues on to the stairwell. “Fine.”

They listen to his footsteps pad all the way up and soon hear his bedroom door closed. Ellie sighs. Alec kisses her shoulder.

“He’s all right, El.”

She unpauses the film.

*

Dr. Keller writes something down and then looks up again. “Speaking of honesty then. I know this was your greatest concern following the end of your marriage. How is that working for you in this one?”

Ellie slips off her shoes and shifts, tucking her feet under her legs. “Almost unnervingly well.”

“Really.”

“Well, we talk about everything. We’re together constantly. And now that he’s opened up so much more, it’s brilliant,” she answers. “I mean, we’re best friends. Best friends who are also colleagues, who are raising a family together, and who are deeply intimate with one another. Bit weird, I guess, but it seems to work.”

“I don’t think it’s weird,” Dr. Keller says. “I think that’s actually the goal for many people.”

Ellie nods, but stares at her lap again.

“…Don’t you think?”

“Yeah, yeah.” She nods again. “Sometimes I wonder if perhaps we communicate… _too_ well?”

Dr. Keller blinks at her. “Too well.”

“I just mean, well, you know, we…we’ve always…bickered a bit. Used to drive each other a bit mad truthfully and that…” Ellie hesitates, well aware that what she’s saying is rather daft. “That was a good bit of fun, you know? Was sort of a hallmark of our relationship, even before we were properly together. Kept us on our toes. And now we just sort of…discuss everything rationally.”

There’s a short laugh out of Dr. Keller. “Sorry. I think I understand, it’s just a bit of an unexpected…issue,” she says. “So you’d like to quarrel more.”

“…Yes.” Ellie makes a face, signaling her wariness about the claim. “It kept things lively, you know? I mean just last night we had about a thirty second disagreement while watching a film and then it was over. We both just moved right along. And I s’pose that’s a sign of maturity, choosing not to prolong a petty row, but then I realized I could’ve done with one.”

Dr. Keller nods slowly but writes quickly. Ellie waits.

“I have a thought,” she says. “If you’d like to hear it.”

“Please.” Ellie leans forward.

“Well.” She shifts in her chair, making herself more comfortable. Ellie braces herself. “I was reviewing my notes again last night, from four years ago. And I remember that, at the time, you had convinced yourself – or were in the process of convincing yourself – that you’d never have a healthy relationship again, after Joe. A properly intimate, healthy relationship. You’d be happy to have a ‘regular gentleman caller,’ you’d said. Someone who was decent with your kids, who you could bring to the occasional family gathering, have a good laugh with, and take to bed perhaps once a week. A friend with benefits, almost. The barest of commitments, someone who asked little of you, but was reliable. That’s what you wanted. That was ‘the best you could hope for.’ That’s what you said.”

Ellie has averted her gaze throughout and is now scratching her head, staring out the window. “Right.”

“You remember that.”

“Yes.”

“But that’s not what you got, is it?”

“No.”

Dr. Keller leans forward now. “You’ve gotten something that I dare say is much better. Would you agree?”

“Yes.”

“You’ve fallen in love, Ellie. Something you thought you would never do again.”

Ellie half-smiles. “Yes.”

“You’ve rebuilt your family, improved upon it even. You have a healthy marriage with a man you trust.”

“Implicitly,” she agrees, nodding.

“Right,” Dr. Keller says. “So is it possible that sometimes you find yourself actively _looking_ for faults? For cracks in the veneer? Because deep down you feel you might not deserve it?”

Ellie looks at her finally, startled and overwhelmed.

“This is perfectly normal,” Dr. Keller clarifies. “It makes sense that you would be suspicious of your own happiness, given all you’ve been through.” There’s a brief pause. “Have you noticed you can be a bit defensive about Alec?”

Ellie frowns. “What?”

“It’s subtle. It’s in your choice of words when you speak about him. A slight change in tone, even. You’re defending something that’s not been attacked.”

“I…” She shakes her head, confused.

“You feel you have to defend your choices now,” Dr. Keller continues. “And Alec especially, probably given the circumstances that led to your union. Even though no one has questioned you.”

“Oh.”

“It’s as if you’re assuming someone will try to take this away from you. That it will all come crumbling down at some point. Do you feel yourself doing that?”

“…Dunno,” Ellie says honestly. “I don’t – I don’t feel uncertain, in fact I feel _very_ certain.”

“I believe that. But I also believe you felt certain that your marriage to Joe was solid. And that was taken away, violently so,” Dr. Keller explains. “You were happy once before. And that was taken from you. Do you think that, deep down, you might be harboring a fear that this might happen again?”

*

Ellie walks back into the living room carrying two refilled glasses of white wine. She hands one to Alec and then returns to her spot on the couch beside him. They are two-thirds of the way through the film now.

“She’s bloody great.”

She glances at him. “Eh?”

“Julie Walters.”

“Oh yes.” Ellie nods, taking a sip and leaning back against him. “Do you like this wine?”

“Mm.” He’s just finished a sip. “Have we not had it before?”

“No, don’t think so. I quite like it.”

“Quite nice.” He puts his glass down on the coffee table. “Fine choice.”

It’s rare he lets her choose the wine. She is pleased. She puts her glass down next to his, then turns into him. She plants a kiss to his throat, then sucks at the taut skin there. He groans his approval.

“Pause it,” she murmurs into his skin.

“Hm?”

She feels around with one hand until she finds the remote in his lap. Without even looking at it, she presses the pause button then tosses it away.

“Oh,” he says, wrapping his arms around her.

She maneuvers onto her knees to get a bit of height, her lips moving just underneath his jawline to his earlobe.

“Kiss me,” she whispers into his ear, sliding a hand over his chest.

“Mm, with pleasure.”

*

“It’s not going to happen.”

“Good.”

Ellie rubs her temple. “We’re a done deal, Alec and me. Have been for ages, since day one basically, from our first kiss.”

“Ellie, I believe you.”

“I’m just saying. I’m not walking on eggshells, I’m not living in fear of losing him.”

“Okay.”

“I’ve never been as sure about anything as I am about us,” Ellie continues. “He would sooner die than hurt me, I _promise_ you.”

Dr. Keller nods. “Ellie, do you hear yourself getting defensive?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Ellie replies defensively. “But it’s not because I have any doubt. I trust Alec with my life and more importantly, my happiness.”

This gets a smile from Dr. Keller. “It’s nice to hear you’ve started putting your happiness first.”

“Because of Alec.” She folds her hands together in her lap. “He insists upon that. And he makes it easy. _He_ puts my happiness first too. My happiness and my health, mine and the kids’.”

“Joe was a natural caretaker as well.”

Ellie freezes. Then takes a deep breath.

“It does seem you have a natural inclination toward caretakers,” Dr. Keller continues. “Joe was a stay-at-home dad while you were the bread winner. And I suspect that had _something_ to do with him putting your happiness first.”

Ellie nods slowly. “Alec does all the cooking. All the home improvements. Much of the shopping.”

Dr. Keller leans forward intently. “Again, this isn’t a bad thing, Ellie. I’m just trying to help you notice the patterns in your life and in your personality. Some are good and some are challenging, and it’s not always what you think. Things turned out badly with Joe, but not because he was an able and natural caretaker. This seems to be something that _works_ for you.”

Ellie is quiet.

“It’s good that you develop relationships where the other person is able to prioritize your happiness,” she says. “But it’s also all right for you to prioritize your own happiness. Yourself. Do you feel like you’re doing that now?”

“Yes. I think so.”

Dr. Keller smiles. “You didn’t think you’d have that after Joe. I’d even go so far as to say you didn’t plan to _look_ for that. Because you felt you had no hope of it. I want you to be proud of what you’ve accomplished.”

Ellie nods, staring at her lap.

*

Tom has been dreading going downstairs. He had opened his bedroom door to listen. If his parents are not talking during the film, it means they’re doing something _else_ during the film. Experience and bad luck have taught him this. But with everything on his mind there’s no way he’ll sleep tonight without stealing some of Alec’s Sleepytime Tea. (Which he is forbidden to tell anyone about.)

It’s possible, he thinks, that he might conduct some research while downstairs. Things have gotten very serious, this situation between him and Erin, she has made her frustration and unhappiness plain to him. If he’s going to save this relationship he may need to…take drastic measures. His parents – simply _Mum and Alec_ until recently – do have the healthiest relationship of anyone he knows, after all. The strongest, the best, very likely. It’s a bit odd because he thought his mum would’ve done well to give up on relationships altogether after his father, and Alec had always seemed to him like the type to cock things up. A miracle, as far as Tom is concerned, that they have made it work and so well.

It’s settled then, he’ll suck it up and go downstairs. He’ll be a scientist. Totally impartial. These are not his parents. They are simply a…control subject to be observed and studied.

He stops halfway down the stairs when he hears the heavy breathing. This is normally when he’d go running back to safety. He steels himself now and continues. He can tell the film has been paused – they must actually like this one if they’ve paused it. Tom positions himself near the doorway to the living room, again reminds himself These Are Not My Parents, and surreptitiously watches.

They are snogging in such an unbelievably cliché way it nearly takes him aback. Ellie has her hand at the back of Alec’s neck – the other he cannot see. She’s halfway on his lap, sitting on one knee, the other leg bent and pushing into his thighs. Alec has one hand – oh god – on her arse, the other in her hair. This seems common enough. Is this what he and Erin look like, he wonders? Apparently not, since Erin has proclaimed to be unsatisfied while his mother currently seems _very_ satisfied. Ugh.

He sees Ellie’s other hand now, resting at the other side of Alec's neck, fingers lightly stroking. Not very racy, but Alec seems to be pleased with it. It’s _intimate_ , Tom realizes. They are currently connected in a way is urgent but not desperate. Not like two teenagers who are just so wildly hormonal that they can only focus on ripping one another’s clothing off. They are _happy_. Content. Again, not totally desperate for a shag.

…Is this foreplay? Is this what Erin wants?

No, because foreplay, by name, is what you do immediately _before_ the shag commences. What his parents – ahem, control subjects – are currently doing seems a bit more…self-contained. Obviously they are not going to shag right here on the sofa with kids upstairs. They are simply doing this for…fun.

Ellie’s hand is raking through Alec’s hair now, yanking on it a bit, or so it seems to Tom. Alec moans, so Tom assumes he likes this. That’s something he could ask Erin to do. Though he himself does not have quite as much hair.

Alec’s hand slides up underneath Ellie’s shirt, running up and down her spine. Tom expects that this is merely a clever move to then unhook her bra. (That’s what _he_ would do anyway.) But that doesn’t happen. He’s just…touching her there for the sake of touching her. Huh.

Then there’s some whispering. “I love you,” he hears Alec say.

Tom straightens, a frown on his face. Just like that? An impassioned _I love you_ while snogging casually on the couch? Isn’t that a bit…much? Bit too deep?

“I love you,” he says again. It has a prayer-like quality to it.

Ellie appears to kiss him more intensely after that.

…Maybe _this_ is what Erin wants. Declarations of love. Out of nowhere. Not just during moments of emotional significance.

And then again, “I love you.”

Christ, does the man even realize he’s saying it? Surely she is aware by now that she is loved, does it really bear constantly repeating?

Then Alec’s hand moves to the front. There’s some maneuvering – oh bugger, her bra clasp is in the front, isn’t it? – then he’s clearly cupping her breast no no no, too far, Tom. Ellie moans _Alec_ in a way that makes his skin _crawl_ and then he sees that – oh, yes, yep, okay, his stepfather is clearly hard, jesus fuck, time to go.

He runs down the hallway to the kitchen, immediately switching on the kettle. For a second he thinks he might retch into the sink but he manages to quell it by drinking an entire glass of water in one go.

He’s too young for this. He doesn’t --- he loves Erin, of course he does, they’ve been together nearly a year now. But he doesn’t – this isn’t – it clearly isn’t whatever it is his parents have. He does not love her enough to tell her _three times_ during your basic couch snog. He’s not even sixteen yet (three more weeks!). He cannot even pretend to experience that kind of love. Erin is nearing seventeen. Perhaps seventeen is the age when it happens. Their age difference _means_ something now, something it didn’t before. Maybe. What does he know. Nothing, as it happens.

Thank god Daisy will be back home soon.

Uh oh. His mother’s voice. “Tom?!”

*

“Do you and Alec talk about the past at all?”

Ellie looks up. “Sometimes, yeah. When it comes up or it’s warranted. We don’t actively avoid the topic.”

“How did Alec’s first marriage end?” Dr. Keller asks. “You can give me the one-sentence version.”

“Um.” Ellie shifts a bit. “His wife had an affair. But things had been difficult for a while.”

“So it’s both of you who have trust issues, I would imagine.”

Ellie almost laughs. “Yeah, you might say.”

“You said earlier on that Alec realized he was in love with you back when you were investigating Danny Latimer’s murder.”

“At the end there, yeah.”

“When did _you_ realize it?”

“Um.” She sits up a bit. “When he left. You remember when he – I’m sure I told you – after we solved the Sandbrook case, he went back. To be with Daisy, to try and…work things out.”

“Work things out with who?”

“Well. Daisy mostly. They’d had a bit of a falling out. Thanks to her mother, frankly.”

“Was he also trying to make things work with his wife?” Dr. Keller asks.

Ellie squirms uncomfortably. “Maybe yeah. He’s – loyal that way. And I know he wanted a proper family for Daisy.”

“And that’s when you fell in love with him.”

“When I realized I was, yeah. No idea when it actually ‘happened,’ so to speak.”

“I suspect it was easier for you to be in love with someone who wasn’t around. Given your low expectations about ever finding that kind of happiness again,” Dr. Keller says. “And then you spent two years fulfilling your own prophecy. Because Alec was gone.”

Ellie shrugs. “Guess so, more or less.”

Dr. Keller smiles. “You fell in love with a devoted family man who was leaving.”

Ellie smiles back, though a bit embarrassed. “Shocking, I know.”

*

She stops kissing him. Then swiftly places her hand atop of his hand on her breast, stopping him.

“Was that Tom?”

Alec looks back at her totally dazed, absolutely unconcerned. “Wha’?”

She scrambles away from his lap and presses her hands to her cheeks, feeling the heat. She’s so beautiful when she’s flustered, he thinks.

“Tom?!”

They both wait, listening.

“…Yeah.”

Tom sheepishly appears in the doorway with a mug of tea.

“All right, lovely? There’s some leftovers in the fridge if you fancy,” Ellie says, as if she’d not been snogging the bloody hell out of her husband only twenty seconds earlier.

Tom just nods.

“Truffle mac and cheese,” Alec says. “Your mum and Fred were mad for it so I suspect you’ll feel the same.” It’s clear from his tone that he himself merely tolerates truffle mac and cheese. “Baby had a little taste as well.”

Tom simply nods again. He looks as if he has no idea why they are even talking to him.

“Do you want to tell us about your day, love?” Ellie asks.

Tom shrugs. “Nah.” He turns and heads for the stairs. “Night.”

Ellie seems to deflate entirely once he’s gone. She hangs her head and exhales. Alec reaches for her shoulders and pulls her into him, kissing her temple.

“He’s a teenager, El,” Alec reminds her. “Got very little interest in us, it’s only natural.”

“Yeah.” She pouts grumpily but relaxes against him. “He was such a sweet, happy little boy, you know. Truly a thoughtful kid, always seemed to know when I needed a hug. Quiet and intuitive.”

“He’s still all those things. They just live inside him differently now.” He squeezes her arm. “Some of it’s because of Joe. Some of it’s bein’ a teenager. But also Tom was an only child for ten years, love. A whole decade. The last six years have been a lot for him, if you think on it that way.”

Even Ellie forgets that sometimes. It often feels like it’s always been her boys. But it’s true. For about a decade, it was just Tom. Just her, Tom, and Joe. Now he has _three_ more siblings. What a difference a few years makes.

She rubs her eyes and shakes out of it, then searches for the remote. “Let’s finish up the film, yeah?”

*

“Can you describe to me your marriage in, let’s say three words.”

Ellie stares blankly at the wall, then tilts her head, closing one eye. “Um. Comfortable. Intimate? Grateful.”

Dr. Keller nods as she writes. “Talk to me about comfortable.”

“Oh, it was a trick question then, so it was.”

She smiles. “No. Not a trick question. Just a multi-part question.”

“Right then.” Ellie leans back in her chair. “Maybe comfortable’s not the right word but --- no, I think it is, actually, we’re very comfortable. In a lot of ways really. I feel like we’ve got a lot of things sorted, we know each other incredibly well, we’re happy with the things we have and the way our life together is working. To me that’s comfortable.”

“Great, good. You said intimate like it was a question.”

“Oh.” Ellie smiles sheepishly. “It’s just sort of a…soft little word, isn’t it? Feels a bit indulgent.”

“Indulgent how?”

“Oh I dunno.” She waves it off, glancing out the window. “I feel like people never use the word intimate to describe something about themselves.”

“But it feels right to you?” Dr. Keller asks.

“I s’pose so, yeah, I s’pose it does.” She scratches her head. “It’s sort of…insular, our relationship. Sometimes feels very _us against the world_. Just that we’re…our closeness is very intense sometimes. Like we’re able to crawl inside each other and rest there.”

Dr. Keller looks at her expectantly, waiting for more.

“I dunno, sorry. We’re inextricably linked, I think is all it is.”

“So it’s a good thing.”

“Yes,” Ellie answers. “Yes, I would say so, largely.”

“So, sometimes not?”

“No, it – no, it is.”

Dr. Keller raises an eyebrow.

“It’s a good thing,” Ellie says firmly.

“Right then.” Dr. Keller writes. “Now grateful. That’s an interesting one.”

Ellie nods. “Well I think it’s true. I feel very grateful for him, for our life together, our partnership. I know he feels the same. He tells me as much, shows me. We talk about it a fair amount actually.”

“Really.”

“You have to understand, the circumstances that led us here…we _have_ to be grateful, I mean it’s extraordinary. And awful and harrowing and…astounding. There’s really no good reason this should work. But it does. The idea that we could’ve managed a love like this in the wake of all….well. You know. I am very grateful. _We_ are grateful. Constantly.”

Dr. Keller smiles. “Good. This is helpful, thank you.”

“Are we out of time?”

“We are. Same time next week?”

*

When the film ends, Ellie is in tears. Alec switches it off and she turns back to him. His cheeks are wet too.

“Oh.” She kisses his wet cheek, hard. “My love.”

“’m fine.”

She pats his jaw. “I know.”

Gently extricating himself from her, he stands and picks up their empty wine glasses, then carries them into the kitchen. Ellie follows, switching off the lights in the living room. In the kitchen, Alec stands at the sink rinsing the wine glasses. She comes up behind him, her arms circling his waist. She kisses his back then turns her head and rests it against him. He dries the glasses then sets them down.

“I think a holiday in Scotland is a good idea,” he announces, circling back to a conversation from weeks ago.

Ellie lifts her head. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Let’s look at our calendars tomorrow. I’ll tell Greer we need the house for a couple weeks.”

She steps around to face him, arms still around his waist. She smiles up at him. “You’re the best.”

He nearly snorts, looking down at her in surprise. “Wha?”

“You are, you’re the best,” she repeats simply. “Best thing in the world.”

He looks a bit caught and Ellie could swear _he’s_ blushing. “I’d hardly go that far.”

 _“I_ would,” Ellie says confidently. “Your _wee baby daughter_ would.” She employs her awful Scottish accent briefly.

Alec does snort now.

“It’s true, you are her favourite thing on earth.”

“Your tits are her favourite thing on earth.”

Ellie rolls her eyes. “You’re projecting.”

He laughs out loud. Then looks at her a moment in awe before kissing her. “Upstairs, eh?”

Ellie nods. “Yes, so we can _not have sex_ for six more days.”

He puts an arm around her shoulders and guides her out of the kitchen, hitting the lights. “Love it. Nothin’ better. I love to _not have sex_ on a Friday night whenever possible."

“Right you are, we should _not have sex_ more often.”

Alec stops them walking and looks down at her. The joke has gone too far. “Bite your tongue.”

Ellie laughs heartily and squeezes him. “Best thing in the world.”

*


	2. Chapter 2

Once he’s loaded the last of Daisy’s things into the car, he sits in the driver’s seat and watches her say goodbye to her mother at the door. When Daisy drops into the passenger’s seat, she lets out a massive exhale.

“Drive! Please, drive.”

Alec chuckles, secretly pleased, as he backs out and hits the road. For the first twenty minutes of the drive, Daisy regales him with tales of her month in Sandbrook with Tess. Agonizing dinners with her side of the family, a few awkward lunches with Tess' new boyfriend Stephen, glorious nights out with her old friends, and quite a bit of _Queer Eye_ binging.

When Daisy asks how _his_ month has been, he replies, “Same.”

She grins, impressed with his improving sense of humour. “Well done, Dad.”

“To be fair, I _have_ watched at least one episode of _Queer Eye_ thanks to your very persuasive stepmother.”

They discuss said episode at length before Daisy asks for more details about their month without her.

“Fairly uneventful, darlin’.”

What’s he going to tell her about? Hal kissing Ellie? Ellie’s miscarriage?

“Ah, we did have dinner with Beth’s new boyfriend.”

“I heard,” Daisy replies. “Chlo says he’s a proper prince. Did you think so?”

“Liked him well enough.” Alec shrugs. “Your sister says _yoyo_ now.”

Daisy stares at him. “Her first word is _yoyo_?!”

“No, no.” He shakes his head. “More of a _sound_ , really, isn’t it.”

“All words are sounds.”

“But she doesn’t even know what a _yoyo_ is, never seen one in her life,” he argues. “We’re not countin’ it as her first word.”

Daisy smirks. “Fine then. The wait continues.”

“Won’t be long now. She’s chatterin’ up a storm.”

Her smirk turns into a grin. She looks at her father adoringly. “Dad.”

He glances over at her then back at the road. “What.”

“I’m so happy to be going home.”

When they pull into the drive, there’s a large banner hanging on porch that says WELCOME HOME, DAISY! It’s covered with glitter and handprints.

“No!” Daisy gasps.

Alec honks the horn, a signal of some sort. As Daisy gets out of the car, she says, “Dad, the porch swing is really coming along, eh?”

It’s fully built now, just waiting to be hung and fastened.

Ellie comes out onto the porch holding Aila, with Fred at her heels and Tom close behind.

“DAISY, LOOK, DO YOU SEE?” Fred is hopping up and down, pointing at the banner above him. “DO YOU SEE MY HANDPRINTS?”

He runs to her as she steps up onto the porch and throws his arms around her. “Ailie’s handprints too. She got paint all over her face and tried to eat it.”

Ellie kisses Daisy’s cheek and pulls her in with her free arm. “Welcome back, lovely. We missed you so.”

She squeezes Ellie tight. “Me too.” Then she looks at Aila, who is shyly resting on her head on Ellie’s shoulder. “Hi there, girlfriend.”

Aila grips tightly to Ellie’s shirt and hides her face in Ellie’s neck.

“Oh, come now, sweet bug,” Ellie says, rubbing her back. “It’s Daisy.” She turns to the older girl. “Keep talking to her, Daiz, it’s your voice she’ll remember most.”

“Hi, my sister,” Daisy says, gently stroking Aila’s arm. “My favourite baby in all the world. I’ve missed you so much, you have no idea. You’re so big, look at you. May as well head off to uni _with_ me.” Then Daisy makes a silly, exaggerated face. Aila smiles. “Oh, is that what it takes then? You need me to make an arse of myself?” Daisy makes another face and a noise. Aila giggles then holds her arms out. Daisy reaches for her. “There we are.” She kisses her cheeks over and over. “You know me.” Aila lightly slaps Daisy’s face happily. “That’s my sweet baby sister.”

Alec has come up behind Ellie by this point, holding Daisy’s bags. Ellie is teary-eyed and grinning. Alec kisses her cheek as he heads inside with the bags.

“What about me then?” Tom says sullenly.

“Speak to you all the time.” Daisy rolls her eyes.

“Still.”

With Aila on her hip, Daisy hugs Tom. “Welcome back,” he says. “For now.”

It’s then they all remember that Daisy will be leaving again in two months and this time, for much longer. There seems to be a collective decision made to perish the thought.

“COME SEE MY NEW TOYS,” Fred exclaims, grabbing onto Daisy’s hand.

They move through the house into the back garden in a giant cluster, with Fred hopping all the while. Alec brings the rest of Daisy’s things inside, hauling them up two sets of stairs to her attic bedroom. When he finds them again, the kids are all in the grass with Fred’s superhero toys, Aila sitting in Daisy’s lap. Ellie stands watching them from the patio, taking a video with her mobile.

Alec comes up beside her. “Wow.”

She stops the video and smiles at him. “I know. Amazing the difference a month makes.”

“Tom seems awfully chuffed, doesn’t he?”

Ellie nods. “I think we underestimate the friendship that’s developed between them.”

“Look at Aila,” Alec says with a smirk. The baby is looking up at Daisy like she’s the second coming.

Ellie raises her mobile again and takes a few more pictures. “Have to make these next months count, won’t we?”

Alec slips an arm around her waist and nods. They watch their children quietly for a few moments, until Aila puts the Batman figurine in her mouth.

“MUMMA, can you come get Ailie?!” Fred calls out, having reached a boiling point of frustration with his baby sister.

“Let her be, love, she’s all right. We’ll wash Batman off later.”

“DADDY!” Fred whines, taking a different tact this time. “Ailie is getting in the way.”

“She’s fine, Fred,” Daisy says gently. “She just loves Batman as much as you do.”

Fred nods. “Batman is cool, he has a lot of cars.”

Alec chuckles as Ellie rolls her eyes.

“Gonna pop to the shop and pick up some things for dinner,” he says to her.

“Daisy’s favourite?”

He nods, then kisses the corner of her mouth before heading inside. “Back soon.”

Ellie is content just to stand there and watch the kids.

*

Alec runs into Maggie at the market. She suspiciously inquires as to the vague smile on his face.

“Daisy’s home.”

“Aw, petal.” She smiles back. “How lovely for you all.”

“Makin’ her favourite,” Alec says, volunteering more information than he usually would, unprompted. “Chicken parmesan.”

“Quite the chef, you are,” Maggie says. “Say hello to the family for me.”

*

By the time Alec returns home, it has started to rain. Tom, Daisy, and Fred are huddled together on the couch watching _Captain Marvel_. At least, he’s pretty sure it’s _Captain Marvel_. He admits he sometimes has a difficult time of telling all these superhero blockbusters apart.

“Did you get ice cream?” Fred asks, for absolutely no reason. Except he _always_ asked if there’s ice cream whenever someone returns from the market.

“We’ll see after dinner if you behave,” Alec replies, heading straight into the kitchen. Christ, what a true Dad he’s become.

After putting away the groceries, he spends a few moments watching the kids watching the film. Then he goes off in search of Ellie. Following the sound of a faint humming, he finds her in the nursery. She sits in the dimly lit room in the rocking chair, nursing Aila.

“Hi,” she whispers, smiling at him in the doorway. “She’ll be asleep in a minute.”

“Kids are quite cozy on the couch.”

Ellie grins. “I know. How long do you think it’ll last?”

Alec shrugs. “End of the day maybe.”

She chuckles back. “If we can make it through dessert I’ll be content.”

Aila coughs a bit, catches her breath, then continues nursing with gusto.

“You’d think we starve her,” Ellie says.

Aila slaps Ellie’s chest lightly as her eyelids grow heavy.

“Are you happy?” Ellie asks, smiling serenely.

He leans against the door frame. “We take for granted having all four of them at home.”

“I know. Can you believe it only took us two years to make this happen?”

“Less than that,” Alec contends. “Been close like this for a while. We just don’t get to see it because they’re all off every which way.”

“Babababa,” Aila contributes, then goes right back to nursing.

“Yes, dear,” Ellie says to her with a nod, then turns back to Alec. “You’re right, probably. Be nice when we head up to Glasgow for a few weeks, the six of us.”

“Have you emailed Jenkinson?”

“No. Have you called Greer?”

“No.”

Alec shoves his hands into his trouser pockets. “Let’s get on that then.”

“It’s much harder for Jenkinson to get on without us now, you know,” Ellie reminds him. “DCI and DI away at the same time, not ideal."

He shrugs. “She knew what she was gettin’ into.”

“We’ll tell the kids at dinner then, give them a heads up.”

Alec finds himself grinning unexpectedly, as if an outside force has suddenly taken over his body. Ellie smiles back at him curiously. “What?”

“Just, um…” He shakes his head at himself. “Properly excited, I think."

Her smile widens. “Yeah?”

“Two whole weeks away with all my favourite people in the world,” he says.

“The sheer amount of _Hardys_ present, just imagine,” Ellie muses. “At least I’ll be able to drink this time ‘round!”

Aila’s eyelids fall shut and her head tips back, mouth open. Alec immediately goes to lifts her into his arms, patting her back and bouncing her gently. Ellie refastens her bra and buttons up her loose polyester blouse.

“What a little love.” Ellie kisses Aila’s cheek, then pats Alec’s shoulder. “Gonna go send a few emails.”

Alec rocks Aila for a bit longer after Ellie leaves, simply because he can. Then he lays her down in her crib and spend another few minutes watching her.

*

When _Captain Marvel_ ends, Daisy is ready for a small break from her siblings. She retreats upstairs to her room to unpack. Fred tries to follow her, but Tom “invites him” to watch him play video games. Inexplicably, this is one of Fred’s favourite things to do. Alec goes outside to continue working on the porch swing, so Ellie wanders up to Daisy’s room.

“Daiz?” She knocks on the slightly ajar door and pokes her head in.

“Come in.”

Daisy dumps a handful of clothes into her laundry basket. This is evidently what constitutes unpacking for teenagers.

Ellie smiles, sitting on the edge of her bed. “Soon you’ll be coming home just to do laundry.”

Daisy smirks. “Not _just_ to do laundry.”

“How was it with your mum?” Ellie crosses one leg over the other and leans back on the bed.

“All right.” Daisy shrugs. “Bit intense, you know? Every little thing is a _conversation_. Like every single thing I do has a larger meaning or something, it’s exhausting.”

Ellie nods. “You know it’s hard for her, don’t you? That you’ve chosen to live with me and your dad full-time. It’s always been hard for her. I think it was the last thing she expected.”

“Are you joking?” Daisy laughs. “She never lets me forget it. She’s _insanely_ jealous.”

Ellie is a bit taken aback. “Really?”

Daisy turns to her suddenly. “Can we not talk about Mum? Do you mind?”

“Sorry, not at all.” She waves it off. “Did you have fun with your old mates?”

“Yeah, that part was pretty good,” Daisy replies, removing her makeup from little purses. “Felt like sort of a last hurrah, you know? Everyone going off to uni.”

“And you’ll have a lot more of that here as well.”

“Yeah. Bit weird.”

“It’s only as big a deal as you make it,” Ellie assures her. “For all you know, you’ll be back home all the time. It’s only a train ride.”

“Weird thinking some of us might not be friends by the end of next year,” Daisy says.

“I know, love. But it all works out. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a shorter amount of time, that’s all.”

“How’s it been here?” Daisy asks, flopping down on the bed beside her. “You know Dad, doesn’t offer much.”

“Oh, fine, uneventful.” Ellie doesn’t _feel_ like she’s lying, but then she realizes she might be. “Bit of work drama, bit of home drama.”

Daisy folds one leg underneath her. “What kind of home drama?”

“Just a tiny bit of a scare.” She remembers the decision they’d made not to tell anyone else about the miscarriage. She hadn’t expected it to be so hard to keep it from Daisy of all people. She hesitates. “All fine now. For a few days we thought I might be pregnant.”

Daisy’s mouth pops open.

“I’m _not_ ,” Ellie says firmly, followed by a short laugh.

Her eyes narrow suspiciously. “Did you want to be?”

“No, no.”

“Did _Dad_ want you to be?”

“No, love.” Ellie squeezes her wrist. “You’re in no danger of another tiny sibling, I promise you. Dad’s getting a vasectomy tomorrow.”

Daisy’s eyes grow even wider. “ _What_.”

Ellie shrugs. “Time to put an end to our birth control woes.”

“So the day after I come home my father is getting surgery on his _bollocks_.” Daisy cringes.

Ellie laughs again. “Outpatient, no scalpel, he’ll be just fine. Just be a bit crankier than usual for a few days. But having you back home should balance it out.” She leans forward. “The boys don’t know about this so I’d appreciate it if you’d keep it quiet, all right?”

Daisy nods obediently. “El.” She leans back against her headboard. “If you hadn’t accidentally gotten pregnant with Aila, do you think you and Dad ever would have tried for a baby?”

Ellie lies on the bed, propped up on her elbow. “Dunno, love, honestly. It’s possible the thought might never have occurred to us. So busy with three of you and with work.”

“Hard to imagine things now without Aila though.”

“Oh, I know it,” Ellie replies. “Never thought I’d be so grateful for an unplanned pregnancy.” Then she sits up straight and points at her. “But don’t go thinking that’s always the way now, understand? It’s pure luck our unplanned pregnancy turned out to be the right thing for us. That is very much not the case for many people.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Daisy nods dismissively. “I get it.” She picks at her nails. “I’m glad you have a baby though. Fun seeing Dad like this. And good he has someone else to focus his attention on for another eighteen years.”

“Oh believe me I’ll see to it he _always_ has someone to _focus his attention_ on,” Ellie replies, wriggling her eyebrows.

Daisy pouts unhappily at the insinuation.

*

Ellie leaves Daisy to it, suspecting that a little alone time might be appreciated by the teenager. Suspiciously, the boys are no longer parked in front of the television. Instead she finds all three of her boys outside on the front porch. The rain has mostly subsided now and they are actively engaged in the task of hanging the porch swing. The sight of them all working together – Fred, unsurprisingly, is little help but he is most certainly invested – brings Ellie a warm, happy feeling.

Fred catches sight of her first. “Look Mumma, we’re doing it!”

“So you are then,” Ellie replies, thoroughly impressed. She does love the sight of her husband hard at work, a bit of sweat on his brow.

Once it’s fully attached, Alec and Tom press down on it in various places to ensure it’s sound. Then Alec turns to Fred.

“All right, lad, you wanna have a go?”

Fred excitedly crawls up onto the porch swing, kicking his dangling legs happily.

“Good then, it can handle a six-year-old. Now you,” Alec says, turning to Tom.

Tom lifts Fred off the swing and sits on it himself. He nods, looking around in satisfaction.

“Good, good.” Alec nods. “Now the ultimate test. Can it handle both Mr. and _Mrs._ Hardy?”

Tom hops off as Alec gestures to Ellie.

“Thank you very much,” she says cordially, taking a seat on the swing. Alec sits beside her. They wait precariously to see what happens. Finally Ellie turns to grin at him. “Well done, Mr. Builder Man.”

Alec slides an arm around her shoulders, then looks at the boys. “All right you two can go, many thanks for your services.”

Tom rolls his eyes and guides Fred back inside with him.

“Bit rude,” Ellie says, but she’s still grinning.

He pulls her close and kisses her. “You know this bloody thing is much more for us than for them,” he says. “Think of all the outdoor snogging potential.”

“You’re a nothing but a dirty old man, you know that, don’t you.”

He kisses her again. “I do.”

“Proud of you,” Ellie tells him, resting her head on his shoulder.

“Don’t seem so surprised,” he replies. “It’s an insult to my masculinity.”

Ellie snorts. Despite taking offense to this, he leans into kiss her again.

“AILIE’S AWAKE!” Fred shouts from inside the house.

Ellie sighs. “Better than a baby monitor, he is.”

“I’ll get her,” Alec says.

“No, no. You need to get started on dinner, Chef Hardy.”

He hops off the swing. “Builder or Chef, you can’t have both.”

“Oh yes I can,” Ellie contends, taking his hand and stepping off the swing. “Husband, Dad, Detective, Builder, Chef – “

“Incredibly skilled lover.”

Ellie laughs out loud as he holds the front door open for her. “I cannot _believe_ you just said ‘lover.’”

“I regret it already.”

*

When Aila wakes up from her nap, she once again needs a quick primer on Daisy. But once her memory is revived, she is very much attached to Daisy’s hip. Literally.

Tom takes off for a few hours, offering little information as to where, and Daisy spends most of the time playing with the little ones in the living room. Much of this is spent keeping Aila and Fred somewhat separated, as Fred has minimal patience for his sister’s grabby hands and tendency to put everything in her mouth.

Ellie is in full laundry mode, stripping and bleaching and folding and hanging. She listens to a podcast while she does it. She is in fact quite grateful for the alone time. Alec, too, finds it very peaceful to be cooking alone in the kitchen. He plays some ‘70s rock music on his iPad on low and blissfully lets his mind wander.

Tom returns a bit more sullen than before. He turns the telly on for Fred so that he can steal Daisy. They go out onto the porch, Aila babbling quietly on Daisy’s lap all the while. When Ellie walks past, she hears only bits and pieces.

_Finally done it_ and _she took it fine I think_. And then there’s a _How do you know when you’ve done the right thing?_ And from Daisy: _Mum likes to say there’s no mistake that can’t be undone at our age, save for getting pregnant._

Ellie goes straight to the kitchen. Alec is standing at the stove with a tea towel over his shoulder, stirring his homemade marinara sauce.

“I think Tom’s ended things with Erin,” she announces from the doorway.

Alec turns around. “Hope he copes better than Daiz did with Jade.”

Ellie collapses in a chair. “The world of teenage breakups. We’re really in it now.”

He leans against the counter, looking at her thoughtfully. “D’you think this has somethin’ to do with his birthday comin’ up?”

“Why would it?”

“Dunno. Turnin’ sixteen. Big milestone for kids, perhaps he’s after somethin’ new.”

“New and exciting you mean.” Ellie crosses one leg over the other, none too pleased. “Is there wine?”

“A Chianti out on the bar.”

Ellie disappears briefly to the dining room, then returns with the bottle. She opens the cupboard and finds the wine glasses on the highest shelf.

“Why do you keep doing this?!” She complains, trying to reach them on her tiptoes.

Alec chuckles and retrieves two glasses easily from the top shelf. “Just tryin’ to keep you…on your toes.”

Ellie stares at him in disbelief.

“Sorry,” Alec says sheepishly.

“Really leaning into the Dad jokes, aren’t we.” She shakes her head as he hands her a corkscrew. “Unbelievable.” She pops the corkscrew and pours them each a glass.

“Might want to check the fridge, if you’re goin’ to drink we may need to take some breast milk out of the freezer if there’s none,” Alec reminds her.

Still in a huff over the unreachable wine glasses, Ellie stalks over to the fridge, finds no breast milk there, then moves a packet from the freezer. “Think you’re so bloody smart,” she grumbles.

Alec finds himself laughing at the absurdity of it. “Why are you cross at _me_?”

Ellie takes her glass and sits back down, taking a long sip. “You’re so _organized_ , you know where everything is, you move everything around, you’re the keeper of my own bloody breast milk.”

He turns and raises an eyebrow at her.

“You build porch swings and set up jacuzzis and cook dinner, you go to the market.”

“…Sorry, are you complainin’?”

Ellie groans and leans back in her chair. “No longer the pitiful, broken mess of a man I took in.”

Alec’s face contorts in total bafflement. “ _What_?”

“Mr. Perfect now, aren’t you?” She sits up straight up, placing her wine glass on the table. “Showing me up left and right.”

He puts the wooden spoon down on the counter and places his hands on his hips. “ _Ellie_.”

She stands defiantly. “ _Fight me_.”

“ _Pitiful broken mess of a man you took in_?!”

Ellie backs down immediately, hearing her words come out of his mouth. “Christ, I’m sorry.” She runs her hand through her hair. “Sorry.” She returns to her wine glass and takes a long sip.

“What on earth was that?” Alec demands, still flummoxed.

“I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry.” She goes to him, placing her palms on his chest. “Apparently I’m desperate for a fight. Came up in therapy the other day.”

He frowns. “What does that mean?”

“I miss our constant bickering,” Ellie admits with a helpless sigh. “It’s daft, I know. Dr. Keller thinks it’s because deep down I don’t believe I deserve nice things.”

“ _Mumma Daddy Mumma Daddy Mumma Daddy.”_ Fred appears in the kitchen out of breath. “Tom and Daisy won’t let me play with them.”

Ellie very quickly is able to slip back into Mom Mode. “They’re not playing, little love, they’re _talking_.”

“But Ailie is with them!”

“Aila’s just a baby,” Ellie explains patiently. “She frankly doesn’t know the difference between playing and talking anyway. Tom and Daisy will play with you again after dinner, don’t you worry.”

“But I’m bored _now_.”

“Stay in here and help your dad with dinner.” She leans down and kisses the top of his head. “I’m sure he’ll be glad to have you as his sous chef.”

“Right.” Alec has now returned to Dad Mode. “Pull a chair up to the counter, mate, you can help me stir the sauce.”

*

“Oh my god, Dad, this is _so good_.” Daisy shovels another bite into her mouth.

They’re eating dinner in the dining room, something they hardly ever do these days, as the dining table is most often covered with Fred’s Lego creations. But for the occasion of Daisy’s homecoming, Fred was asked to tidy up, and he did so, albeit grumpily. They’ve all tucked in to Alec’s chicken parmesan, eating voraciously. Aila’s highchair is placed in between Alec and Ellie; she grudgingly eats banana and avocado while the rest of her family enjoys such a lovely meal.

Everyone agrees heartily with Daisy.

“Thank you for cooking, love.” Ellie reaches over Aila and tugs lovingly at Alec's earlobe with a smile.

“Like he doesn’t do it every night.” Tom rolls his eyes.

“Doesn’t mean we’re not to _thank him_ every night,” Ellie retorts. “Cheeky. Don’t pretend you’re not wildly relieved you no longer have to endure my cooking on a regular basis.”

“Mumma makes good beans and toast!” Fred offers, mouth half-full.

“ _Thank you, Fred_ ,” Ellie says emphatically. “And bloody well right too.”

Aila smashes some avocado onto her mouth and mushes it around with her palm. Alec moves her hand away and tries to guide some of the avocado _into_ her mouth.

“Anyway,” Ellie says, twirling some linguini onto her fork. “Dad and I have decided to go on holiday in Scotland in late July.”

Tom stares at her in annoyance. “What are _we_ gonna do?”

Ellie puts her fork down and stares back at him. “You’re going to _come with us_.”

“Oh. Right.”

“We’re _all_ going to Scotland for two weeks,” Alec says. “Stay at the house in Glasgow, home base, but make some trips to the Highlands and thereabouts. Help Daisy get to know Edinburgh a bit early.”

“Hogwarts! Hogwarts!” Fred exclaims.

Ellie glances at Tom in a way that is not at all subtle. “I know it’ll be difficult to leave Erin for two weeks, but…”

Tom and Daisy exchange glances.

“Um.” He picks up his water glass. “Erin and I broke up actually.”

Both Ellie and Alec respond with variations of _oh no_ and _you’re joking_. And then what follows is an awkward silence and very focused eating.

Unaccustomed to the quiet, Aila slaps her hands on the tray of her highchair and says, “Yoyoyo!”

They all glance over at her and laugh half-heartedly. Alec feeds her a bit of marinara sauce from his spoon. She nods and bounces approvingly.

“When you break up is it forever?” Fred asks.

It’s unclear exactly to whom the question is directed and so there is a brief pause.

“Not necessarily,” Ellie says. “It depends.”

Fred nods and they all keep eating. Then he looks up again and asks, “What does it feel like when you’re in love?”

He seems to be asking the question to his plate, but Daisy and Tom automatically look to Alec and Ellie.

“Uhm.” Ellie takes a bite and looks over at Alec.

“Feels different for everyone, I’d guess,” Alec replies shiftily. “What’s love for me isn’t necessarily love for someone else.”

“But how do you _know_ ,” Fred demands. “How are you _sure_.”

“Well.” Ellie swallows, then pushes some of her food around. “I think for a lot of people there’s…you can’t stop thinking about the other person. You think about them all the time. When they’re not around, you wonder what they’re doing, what they think about things. It’s like an obsession.”

Alec nods. “And you care about every single thing that happens to them, even the littlest things. Everythin’ about them is interestin’ to you.”

He and Ellie exchange a fleeting smile. Tom is sitting up straight, Daisy is leaning forward. For both, it seems as if their ears have perked up.

“You want to be with them all the time,” Alec continues, and Ellie is impressed. She’s noticed in recent months that he no longer has to be _forced_ to elaborate on difficult or personal topics. He volunteers thoughts and feelings much more easily. Still a bit awkwardly, but without incessant prodding. “You’re never tired of them.”

Ellie smiles. He’d said something similar to her just days ago: _I never, ever tire of you_. It had been the first time she’d heard him put it quite that way.

She nods. “Love is easy,” she says. “It’s relationships that are hard. But love…I think you know it the minute you feel it and then it’s always there.”

Tom looks up. “Always?”

“Well.” Ellie picks up her wine glass. “No. Not every love is…meant to be.” She takes a sip.

“What does _meant to be_ mean?” Fred asks, shoving a giant forkful of chicken in his mouth.

“Forever,” Daisy answers. “Fate.”

“What’s the difference between _meant to be love_ and _not meant to be love_?” Tom questions.

Alec and Ellie look at each other. They’re not precisely sure what is happening here. They certainly had not expected to debate philosophies of love at the dinner table.

Aila leans over and reaches toward Alec’s plate, flexing her fingers. He feeds her another spoonful of marinara.

“Like, obviously Dad, my dad, was not _meant to be love_ for you,” Tom says to Ellie. There’s a slight stiffening among them, but nothing near as bad as it used to be. “But you didn’t know that at the time, right? Or you wouldn’t have married him?”

Ellie nods and shrugs simultaneously. “I think you don’t know until you feel it. I did love your dad, Tom. I _was_ in love with him.” Her throat immediately goes dry and she takes a sip from her water glass. “But you don’t know what you’re missing until you experience it. Does that make sense? When I met Alec…” She glances over at him. “Well, no, not when I _met_ Alec, but when I fell in love with Alec…it didn’t feel the same, it was more. It was bigger. It was…massive and like nothing else I’d known before.”

“How do you know that won’t change?” Daisy asks, a bit shyly.

“I just know,” Ellie answers, hating the vagueness of her own answer. “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to explain it any better.”

Alec puts his utensils down. “Daiz, my love for Ellie is a…lifestyle. You know? It’s my whole life now. That’s how _I_ know it won’t change.”

Daisy looks at him uncertainly. “So you didn’t feel that way about Mum.”

“No,” he replies. “But in my defense, I didn’t know it was _possible_ to feel that way. So, it’s just as Ellie said. I didn’t know what I was missin’. I couldn’t have known to go lookin’ for it.”

“It’s not something you two need to worry about just now,” Ellie says to Tom and Daisy. “You’re young. You’re not meant to fall in love just yet. Please don’t feel pressured to. You’re much better off getting to know yourselves before you even think about love.”

Alec leans down to feed Aila some more sauce but her banana and avocado-covered hand slaps his cheek and smears the mush over it. Ellie laughs out loud, grateful for the distraction, and tosses a napkin at him. She takes Aila’s hand and wipes it off while Alec wipes off his cheek.

“Love sounds scary,” Fred says suddenly. “What if you get it wrong?”

Ellie smiles at him sympathetically. “You might get it wrong, love, but you’ll be all right.”

A silence falls over the table. All Hardys deep in thought. Alec and Ellie again exchange a curious glance, then stay focused on their meal.

“Babababababa.” Aila looks around, slapping her hands on her tray, once again confused by the quiet. She smashes some banana into her mouth, chomps at it, and then, very confidently, says:

“Duck.”

Instantly the whole family is torn from their respective reveries, heads turning to stare at the baby. Aila is jarred by suddenly having ten eyes trained on her. She smiles happily and starts slapping her hands again, the little ham that she is.

“…What did you say,” Alec says, uselessly.

Daisy laughs. “ _Dad_.”

Ellie leans into the highchair. “Aila.”

Aila looks at her expectantly. Ellie says nothing.

“…She really said _duck_ , didn’t she,” Tom says.

Fred is now uninterested and has returned to very messily eating his spaghetti. But the rest are still focused on the baby.

“Her first word,” Alec says, dumbfounded.

Aila is completely oblivious as to what she has done to flummox them all. She leans toward Alec’s plate again and flexes her fingers greedily at his food.

“Duck,” Tom says to her. “Aila, did you say _duck_?”

Aila looks at him with recognition in her eyes. “Duck!” She claps her hands.

Ellie drops her head into her hands. “Oh my god.”

“Duck,” Alec repeats. “She’s never even _seen_ a duck.”

Suddenly Daisy starts laughing uncontrollably. “This is too good.” She pulls out her mobile. “I have to text Chlo.”

Alec and Ellie look at each other. “ _Duck_ ,” they say in unison.

Aila, thrilled by the attention and now craving more, faceplants into her avocado.

*

After several rounds of Cluedo, Aila is given a bottle and put to bed. But she wakes up again just in time for her _parents_ to go to bed.

All the children are home and happily cocooned in their rooms. Alec and Ellie are determined to always remember this safe, content, warm feeling of everyone together, knowing that in just a couple months it will be incredibly rare.

While Ellie is in the shower, Alec brings a fussy Aila into their bedroom. Once he has soothed her, he lays her down in the middle of their bed and she falls asleep again with him lying next to her, patting her back.

Ellie walks out of the ensuite in her towel and stops short. “Oh.”

“Big day for the wee lass,” Alec tells her. And, in truth, he’s not wrong. The return of her older sister was major, then culminating in her very first word. Much excitement for the eight-month-old.

“You big softy.” She shakes her head at him, then goes about changing into her pyjamas.

“Feel free to take your time there,” Alec says appreciatively as she drops her towel. “And I won’t be a softy for long.”

Ellie turns to him with her mouth open, scandalized and impressed by his naughty joke. “Alec Hardy, I _never_.”

He chuckles. And she does take her time.

“Been eleven days, you realize.”

She turns her back to him as she pulls on her knickers and he enjoys the view.

“I do realize, yes,” Ellie replies. “And it’s going to be quite a few more.”

He frowns. “Three days more.” They’d been told not to have sex for about fourteen days after her miscarriage.

“Not necessarily.” She turns back to him, letting him enjoy the view for a moment before pulling her t-shirt one. “You don’t know how you’ll feel after the procedure tomorrow. You may be sore for quite a bit.”

“…Maybe not though.”

She stands near the end of the bed, drying her hair with a towel. “Have you done _any_ research on this?”

“I – “ He starts off defensively, then falters. “Not really no. No scalpel, that’s what I know.”

She makes a cringey face at him.

“What?” He demands, sitting up straighter.

“I did a bit more research today after I finished my emails,” she informs him, tentatively. “It’s eight to twelve weeks before the sperm actually buggers off for good.”

Alec stares at her dumbfounded, much in the way he’d looked after Aila said _duck_. “What.”

“Yeah, apparently it can take that long to get rid of the sperm that’s already…in the tubes, or whatever,” Ellie explains, tossing the towel in the hamper. “Something like 15 to 20 ejaculations before it’s all gone.”

“Well that’s – don’t need eight to twelve weeks for _that_ ,” Alec sputters, thoroughly insulted by the whole thing.

She rolls her eyes and sits on the edge of the bed beside him. “There’ll be a post-op appointment after a few months so the doctor can confirm all the sperm has…fled the scene.”

“So.” He stares at her, wheels turning quickly but not quickly enough. “We’ll have to, um. We’ll have to…”

“Use condoms,” Ellie says.

Alec breathes in sharply. She laughs, reaching out to pat his leg. “Just for a couple months. Then we can do as we like.”

“But we’ve never – “ He is well and truly horrified. “We’ve never used condoms, you and I.”

“I know.”

“And it’s been – I mean, I haven’t used a soddin’ condom in – I can’t remember.” He’s attempting some sort of maths in his head. Never with Ellie, then no sex for at least four years before Ellie, then hardly ever during his fifteen year marriage. “It’s been a bloody long time. I don’t even know what’s out there anymore.”

“We’ll sort it,” Ellie assures him, rubbing his thigh. “We’ll spend as much time in the ‘planned parenthood’ section at the chemist as we need.”

“Look it up,” he says, nodding at her.

“What?”

He picks up his mobile. “Let’s research the condom options.”

Ellie stands up again, going for her moisturizer. “What you should be researching is the procedure you’re having tomorrow.”

He groans. “Fine, we’ll do that first.” He begins typing on his mobile, squinting at the screen.

“ _Glasses_ , Alec,” Ellie tells him, exasperatedly.

He puts them on. Ellie picks up her mobile as well and they research simultaneously.

“ _Full recovery is eight to nine days for many people_ – christ, you’re jokin’.” He stares at the screen in horror. “They’re going to bandage my bloody scrotum?!”

“Hopefully it won’t be bloody,” Ellie says with a wink. Alec is not amused.

“ _Your scrotum will feel tender, uncomfortable or painful. You’ll probably notice some bruising_ \--- bruising?! What have you gotten me into, woman?”

Ellie looks up. “I hope I don’t need to remind you of the hours I spent in labour giving birth to your daughter,” she says sternly. “Or the endless poking and prodding of the – “

“Right, all right, fine,” Alec says quickly.

Ellie reads from her mobile now. “ _Do wear tight underwear to secure your genital area and avoid injury or stitches falling out.”_ She looks up and smirks at him. “Oh, we’ll have to get you an ice pack too. _Don’t lift anything over ten pounds, exercise, or have sex to avoid reopening your incisions_. Ha!”

“Christ,” Alec mutters.

“We’re looking at least another week before we have sex again, love,” Ellie tells him, crawling onto her side of the bed, Aila asleep on her stomach between them.

Alec flops back onto his pillow and looks at her plaintively. “Is this a good idea right now?” He asks, very seriously. “After we’ve already gone without for two weeks?”

“We’re not rescheduling this appointment, Alec,” Ellie replies firmly.

“ _Three weeks_ , Ellie.”

“We’ll survive. Perhaps it’ll do us good.” She glances at her mobile again. “ _You may still have some pain during ejaculation or blood in your semen_. Look at that.”

“ _El_.”

She continues, unperturbed. “ _Feel free to start having protected sex or masturbating again if you're comfortable_ ,” she says. “This is _after a week or more of recovery_ , by the way.”

He turns onto his side and faces her. “We have to, um. _Tonight_. We have to – can you – “

Ellie stares at him, the corner of her mouth lifted in amusement. “Go on.”

“You know.”

“You want me to get you off tonight while you still _can_.”

He all but nods at her. He’s been abstaining right along with her in solidarity these last eleven days without realizing.

“Well, you should have thought of that before you invited the baby into bed,” Ellie replies.

They both look down at Aila, sleeping peacefully with her mouth open like a fish. They know she’ll wake up if they try to move her – and who knows for how long.

“This is disaster,” Alec says miserably.

She picks up her mobile again. “Let’s research condoms, that’ll make you feel better.”

He frowns at her. “That will not make me feel better.”

“ _Best condoms in the UK_ , look at that, it’s that easy,” Ellie says, leaning over and show him. “Christ, there are _vegan_ condoms now.”

“ _The perfect fit_?” Alec reads aloud. “Ach. This is miserable.”

“Oh, _look_ , Alec,” Ellie says, coyly. “ _SKYN Large: A bigger option for larger customers._ ” She laughs heartily.

He scowls. “Just what d’you think you’re laughin’ at then?”

“Ahaha! _ONE Pleasure Dome: The perfect condom for big-headed buyers_.”

He scowls again. “Is that me? Am I big-headed?”

“Depends on which head we’re talking about,” Ellie quips with a smirk. His continued frown wipes it away. “No, not really.”

“ _Best condoms for allergies_ , my god,” Alec complains. “I hate this.”

“Ah look, chocolate-flavoured condoms!”

Alec glares at her over the rim of his glasses. “You’re enjoyin’ this.”

“ _ONE Flavor Waves: for a veritable taste explosion_.” She laughs so loudly she nearly wakes the baby. “All right, here we go: _Best for Sensitivity, Sensation, and Stimulation_. This sounds like what we want, yeah?”

He nods grumpily.

“Okay. _Trojan BareSkin: Barely-there protection._ That’s promising. _Designed to feel as if you’re not wearing them at all_. Right. _Durex Invisible: Extra Sensitive._ That could be all right. What do you think?”

He shrugs like a child. “Yeah.”

“Oooh, all right now, _Durex Mutual Climax: Long-lasting and stimulating_. I like that.”

He reads studiously about her shoulder. But then he frowns again. “ _A mild numbin’ agent to make sex feel less overwhelmin’ for men._ Are you tryin’ to tell me somethin’?”

“Nooo, no. But it couldn’t hurt, could it?” She reads. “ _Boys Own: Best for Anal Sex_. NOPE, next.”

“A female condom!” Alec exclaims.

“No.”

“Fine.” He rests his chin on her shoulder as she scrolls down. “ _Ribbed and dotted for her pleasure_.” He looks up. “Would you like that?”

“Dunno.” She shrugs. “Possibly. We could try it.”

“Hmm.”

“See, you know, this _could_ be fun, babe,” she says. “Do a little experimentation. Maybe we’ll find something we really like. Something we might use from time to time even after the few months have passed.”

He looks at her skeptically.

“I’m serious, think of it like a sex toy or something. Ribs and dots and flavours and…mild numbing agents, apparently. Let’s try to have fun with it, eh?”

He leans pitifully on her shoulder again.

“We’ll just buy a whole load of them. Find a chemist outside of town, of course, where no one knows us,” she adds. “We’ll fill up our basket with all different types and just play around.”

He nods but is quiet for a moment. She puts her mobile away.

“You realize we’ve just had a whole long conversation about condoms with our baby in between us,” Alec says.

“Ironic, isn’t it?”

They both slide down to Aila’s level, watching her breathe. Alec lays a hand at her back, feeling it rise and fall with her chest. Ellie strokes her hair.

“Our sweet baby said her first word today,” Ellie whispers.

“It’s too fast,” Alec says, staring at the baby’s slightly fluttering eyelashes. “Slow down your growin’, darlin’.”

Ellie shakes her head. “She’s too clever.”

They watch her quietly for a few more moments, then Ellie speaks again. “Dr. Keller says it’s a very good thing you’re getting the snip. Thinks that because of our circumstances, if you didn’t, we’d struggle with the question of having a baby for as long as it was biologically possible for us. Says it’s fairly common for couples who find each other late in life to agonize over this sort of thing, even when they believe they’ve made a decision.”

Alec just looks at her, a little overwhelmed by the notion.

“D’you think she’s right about the other thing?” He asks finally. “About you not believin’ you…deserve good things.

Ellie looks away, focused on Aila. “Not sure to be honest. It’s not an outrageous claim, though, is it, after all. I did spend years feeling that way. It _could_ still be…lingering somewhere underneath the surface.”

Aila shifts a bit, turning her head to face Ellie.

“Can I – “ Ellie falters, then starts again. “I want you to think about something for me, all right? I want you to… _consider_ finding a therapist of your own.”

Alec recoils, an expression of pure horror on his face.

“I know, I know.” She reaches out to squeeze his arm. “I just think – listen, I’ve never tried to push it on you before and I never will. You should do what’s comfortable for you. But I also think it can only _help_. It can only do good. And I think that me being in therapy will actually be easier for you if you’re in therapy too. All I ask is that you _consider_ it and if you decide against it, I won’t question you. But it would mean something to me just for you to do me this favour and think on it.”

After a pause, he nods. “Aye,” he replies somberly. “I’ll think about it.”

“Thank you.”

They lie quietly for a few moments more, both of them staring at the sleeping baby between them.

“…D’you remember when we only knew her as Baby Girl?” Alec asks quietly. “She was just this magical, unknowable thing inside you.”

Ellie smiles and nods. “Now she can clap her hands and say _duck_.”

“With _your_ mouth and your eyes and your nose.”

“Your chin and your cheekbones and your hair.”

They thread their fingers together at Aila’s back, resting atop it.

“Bizarre,” Ellie says.

“Utterly insane.”

They smile at each other.

“Hmm,” Alec murmurs after a moment. “Perhaps Dr. Keller is right.”

Ellie narrows her brows a bit. “About what?”

“It _is_ a good thing I’m havin’ a vasectomy.”

***


	3. Chapter 3

The office is tastefully decorated, but sparse. Minimalist, they call it.

He thinks he heard the term on _Queer Eye_ , anyway.

The armchair is comfortable enough. The lighting not too harsh. The woman across from him appears to be roughly his own age, give or take a few years in either direction. She’s not recording him, thank god – just the idea of it makes him feel like a suspect. She has a notebook and pen, and this he can live with.

She wants to be called Marjorie, though she has multiple degrees including a PhD. He had asked, with a wry smile, to be called Chief Inspector. She’d shot that down pretty quickly.

“Right, then.” She crosses one leg over the other and leans forward eagerly. “What brings you to talk therapy?”

Ellie warned him that this would be the first question of their session. He might have come up with a thoughtful, well-considered answer in the preceding days but he chose not to. Mostly because he couldn’t bear to think about it.

“Uh.” He straightens up in his chair. “My wife suggested it.”

She had, in fact, asked Dr. Keller for a referral. Marjorie was top of the list.

Marjorie looks at him curiously and nods. “Okay.” Then she says nothing.

Alec frowns. What is he supposed to do if she stops talking? How on earth is _he_ supposed to know what to do? Or say? That’s not his job.

He feels forced to fill the silence. “My wife recently got back into it herself. She did it for a few years, before we were – together. Now she’s gone back she wanted me to consider it as well.”

More nodding. “Why do you think your wife believes you might benefit from therapy?”

“Uh.” He laughs ruefully. “Any number of reasons really. ’m forty-seven years old, there’s a whole – _life_ to poke at.”

“Why _now_?”

“She thought I’d adjust to _her_ bein’ in therapy better if things were…balanced, so to speak.”

“Uh _huh_.” Marjorie seems unconvinced. “And what do _you_ think?”

Alec shrugs, feigning as much nonchalance as possible. “I think my wife tends to be right about most things.”

Marjorie scribbles a bit in her notebook then looks up again. “You’ve said _my wife_ quite a few times now, could we put a name to her?”

“Ellie.”

She smiles. “Ellie.”

This makes Alec chuckle quietly.

“Yeah, even the name seems to cheer people, somethin’ about it,” he notes. “It suits her too.” He shifts a bit. “We just got married. About three months ago. So there’s still somethin’ a bit…addictive about bein’ able to say _my wife_.”

“Congratulations,” Marjorie says.

“Yeah, thanks.” He nods, looking down at his lap. “Always a bit weird to hear, if I’m bein’ honest. Implies a kind of… _newness_ that doesn’t feel right.”

“You’ve been together a while then, you and Ellie.”

“Bit over two years now,” Alec replies. “Feels like longer than that even.”

Marjorie looks at him expectantly, again waiting for more.

Alec frowns. “How’m I s’posed to start then? How’s this go? Do I start from my earliest memory or somethin’?”

“It goes however you’d like it to go,” Marjorie replies easily. “It’s your time, you decide how we use it.”

“Yeah, but isn’t there an _optimal_ way to use it?” Alec questions. “Want to get the most bang for my buck, so to speak.”

“Again, that’s up to you. Often patients prefer to begin by delving into the issue that brought them here in the first place,” she says. “And things progress naturally from there.”

Alec squirms uncomfortably, wringing his hands. “Hard to say, you know. Things are quite good at the moment. Nothin’…pressin’ really, nothin’ urgent.”

“Okay.” Marjorie seems quite practiced. Alec suspects this is not the first time she’s experienced such reticence in a patient. “What would you like me to know about you then? What’s the cliff notes version of Alec Hardy?”

“Ach, um. Well.” He glances around at the room as he speaks. “’m forty-seven, as I said. Originally from Glasgow. Been in Broadchurch on and off for five years or thereabout. Detective with Broadchurch CID, Detective Chief Inspector to be exact.” He wonders if that’s egotistical or even necessary. Then he wonders if he’s going to spend every session second-guessing everything that comes out of his mouth. Marjorie doesn’t even look up from her notes. “Happily married. My wife – Ellie – is also a detective with Broadchurch CID. Four kids at home, for now. Rest of the family up in Glasgow. And, um. Right, yeah.”

“Anything else?”

“…Nah, that’s about it.”

Alec sits back, pleased with himself, and decides to let her to do the rest of the hard work.

*

The appointment has been scheduled for around lunchtime. It was the earliest opening they had. Things are blissfully quiet at CID when Ellie shows up in his office doorway. Except he wishes they were. So then he’d have an excuse to reschedule.

“Look alive, Chief,” Ellie says, leaning against the frame. “It’s showtime.”

Alec groans loudly, slumping back against his chair. “D’you know I have to be _awake_ for this?”

“Probably don’t have to,” she replies, sauntering further into the office, hands in her pockets. “Just ask them to knock you out instead of the local anesthetic.”

He nods past her at the door. “Close it, will you.”

She closes the door. He gets up from behind his desk and circles to the front of it. “This is day twelve of no sex, you know.” He folds his arms across his chest. “I cannot _believe_ we’re doin’ this _now_.”

She shakes her head. “Forty-seven years old with the libido of a teenager.”

He reaches for her waist and pulls her against him. She makes an ominous clicking sound with her tongue.

“Wouldn’t do that if I were you,” she says, placing her hands on his chest to maintain a smidge of distance. “Nowhere for it to go, after all.”

He groans again, bordering on whining, then kisses her jaw and her neck repeatedly before burying his face in it and just holding her.

“Aw.” Ellie wraps her arms around him in reciprocation. “My poor, horny little love.”

“I miss you,” he murmurs pitifully, muffled by her skin.

“I’m right here.” She scratches the back of his neck and rocks them a bit. “How on earth did you manage those five years of celibacy before me.”

“ _Ellie_ ,” he complains, though he does not move or loosen his hold on her. “’m not desperate for a shag, ‘m desperate to shag _you_.”

She kisses his ear. “Oh, now. Don’t be sweet and try to make me feel guilty.”

He kisses her neck again. “I want _you_."

“Shh.” She rubs his back. “Only a few more days.”

He groans again and squeezes her as tightly as he possibly can without snapping her in two. She laughs in surprise. “ _Alec_.” She pushes him back to look at him. “We’ll be late, come on then.”

“ _I’ll_ be late, you mean,” he grumbles, reluctantly taking a step back from her.

“Come on.” She takes his hand.

As she leads him out of his office, he closes the door behind him.

“Be back after lunch!” She calls out to all of CID, as if they’re just popping to the café for sandwiches.

Alec mumbles something unintelligible and they exit the building hand in hand.

*

“What’s the biggest thing to happen to you this week?”

Marjorie is shockingly patient. Even _he_ can tell he’s being a stubborn arse. Perhaps because Ellie calls him out on it so often, he’s learned to recognize it on his own.

“My daughter said her first word.” It had been his intention to leave it at that, to let her try to extract some sort of larger psychological meaning out of it, but then he finds himself…feeling _guilty_. She’s just doing her job after all. “I had a vasectomy done.”

Marjorie looks up at him from her pad, eyebrows raised. He is pleased with himself for creating a bit of whiplash.

But then _she_ surprises _him_. “What was your daughter’s first word?”

 _Touché_ , _doc_ , he thinks.

“Duck.”

At this, she actually laughs out loud. “Really?”

“Oh yes.” He nods. “She defies convention, our wee one, she’s not content to follow down the path of all the _other_ babies, no. She’s her _own_ baby.”

Marjorie is smiling. “She’s how old?”

“Nine months this week,” Alec replies proudly. “Aila, is her name. Born a month early so evidently we’re supposed to say she’s eight months, but other than her size, her development is right on schedule. Plus we prefer to leave maths out of it whenever possible.”

She seems to be pleased with his progress in elaborating with prompting. Alec wonders if he should be pleased as well.

“You have a small baby,” Marjorie says. “And this week you’ve gotten a vasectomy. That logic, to me, is invariably sound, but why don’t you tell me a bit more.”

“Four is more than enough,” Alec answers with surprising ease.

Marjorie nods in agreement. “How old are they?”

“Daisy is eighteen, Tom sixteen next week, Fred is six, and then Aila.” He finds it fills him with great pride to describe them.

“Wow.” She sits back. “Quite a spread.”

“Blended family,” Alec clarifies, as this is what the internet has told him to call it. “Daisy’s from my previous marriage, Tom and Fred from Ellie’s.”

“I see. And how long have you been blended?”

“Two years now.”

“And how’s that gone?” Marjorie asks, pen poised

“Ah.” Alec looks surprised himself. “Shockingly well, to be honest.”

*

Ellie returns to the doctor’s office about forty minutes later, carrying a couple sandwiches in a bag. She fills out a few forms for the receptionist, the most important of which seems to be the signature that denotes her as the patient’s designated driver.

A nurse pops her head out to the outer office. “Mrs. Hardy?”

Ellie looks up, handing the clipboard back to the receptionist. “Yes.”

“We’ve got him here,” she says. “If you’ll come with me.”

Ellie follows her down the hallway.

“He’s a bit…enthusiastic,” she warns her, with a inscrutable expression on her face.

Ellie frowns. “ _Enthusiastic_?”

The nurse leads her into the exam room. Alec sits on the table, buttoning up his shirt, in deep concentration. Ellie glances at the nurse and leans over to her.

“Why was his shirt off?” She whispers.

“…It wasn’t,” the nurse replies. “He just keeps unbuttoning it and buttoning it again.”

“Oh, dear.” Ellie steps further into the room. “All right, love?”

Alec looks up, a massive smile appearing on his face at the sight of her. “My wife!” He looks at the nurse. “My wife is here.” Then back at Ellie. “I knew you’d come.”

“…Yes, you did, I was due to fetch you,” Ellie replies, cautiously approaching him. “How’re we feeling then?”

“My beautiful wife.” He takes her face in his hands. “Your face is so…bright, look at your skin, your perfect nose.”

Ellie’s expression is one of great consternation, more or less pouting in his hands. “What’s all this then?”

“He didn’t want the local anesthetic,” the nurse explains. “He asked us to ‘knock him out.’”

“ _Ah_ ,” Ellie says. “I see, all right, high as a kite then, are we?” She helps him down off the table. “There we are.” She notices his fly is undone and quickly zips it up for him.

He flinches. “Careful now. Very sensitive area, you see."

“Uh huh.” The buttons are all mixed up on his shirt so she begins unbuttoning them. “What’s happened here, eh?”

Alec grins over Ellie’s shoulder at the nurse. “Can’t keep her hands off me.”

She begins rebuttoning them, one by one. He strokes her face and her hair reverently.

“So beautiful,” he muses. Then to the nurse: “Isn’t she lovely?”

The nurse smirks. “Indeed she is.”

“Everythin’ a man could want,” Alec says. He stares at her adoringly then suddenly grabs her breasts. “And _these_ , am I right, then, have a look, eh.”

Ellie quickly brushes his hands away. “ _Hey now_.”

“Sorry.” Alec purses his lips. “ _Inappropriate._ ” Then he reaches for her breasts more gently this time. “I tell you it’s worth havin’ a baby just for _these_.” He chuckles at himself.

Ellie brushes his hands away again. “Won’t be having any more of _those_ , now, will we?” She finishes the last button of his shirt, leaving one undone at the top, then pats his chest.

“No,” he replies wistfully. “No more babies. Shame ‘cause we do make gorgeous ones.”

“Yes, we do, love.” She smoothes his hair back then start buckling his belt for him.

“Uhm,” the nurse mutters. “He’s all good to go, as you can see, you’ll want to keep an eye on him for a bit though. Anesthetic should wear off in the next hour or so.”

“I need to take him back to work,” Ellie says, with slight concern. “Can I do that?”

“Oh yeah.” The nurse shrugs. “Be fine soon enough. Likely be sore though, a bit of ice and some ibuprofen ought to do the trick."

As his hands roam aimlessly over Ellie’s upper body, he looks the nurse dead in the eyes. “When can we shag again, eh?”

The nurse blushes. “Different for everyone. Really just whenever it feels comfortable for you again.”

“Feels comfortable _now_ ,” Alec replies, pulling Ellie’s waist against him.

She slips away from him. “That’s just the drugs, I’m afraid.” She holds his arms firmly at his side. “And my cervix hasn’t closed up yet, remember.”

The nurse blinks at them. That’s never a sentence you expect to come out of someone’s mouth casually.

“Babies are so complicated, aren’t they?” Alec says to the nurse. “There’s really a lot to consider.”

“All right.” Ellie exhales. She looks at the nurse. “Thank you _so_ much. And – sorry.”

The nurse smiles and slips out of the room, leaving them alone. Ellie holds Alec still.

“All right, Chief. Let’s get some food in you, eh?”

“Like to get some _me_ in _you_ ,” he replies, wriggling his eyebrows.

“Oof, no. Are you steady?” She glances at the door. “Come on.” She puts an arm around his waist and maneuvers his arm around her shoulder. “There’s a good lad, yes, come on.”

“Twelve days, Ellie,” he whines as she guides him out the door.

She sighs. “Yes, yes, I know.”

*

“Are having trouble sorting your thoughts around the vasectomy?” Marjorie asks, clearly still trying to decipher exactly what it is that brought him to therapy.

“Ah, no, not really,” Alec replies, leaning back in the chair, projecting a more relaxed stance than he actually feels. “It’s the right thing, I know it’s the right thing.” Then he hesitates. “My wife, um.”

“Ellie.” She smiles.

“Ellie,” he amends. “Had a miscarriage two weeks ago. So, um. Best to put an end to…all that.”

Marjorie leans forward a bit. “I’m sorry to hear that. That must be difficult for you both.”

“We didn’t know she was pregnant,” Alec clarifies quickly. “So, yes, difficult, but – maybe not for the reasons you’re imaginin’. But she, um. She’s never had the best of luck with birth control, to put it simply, and this wasn’t her first unplanned pregnancy _or_ first miscarriage. It was important to her that we make a firm decision and…find a way to stick to it. So to speak.”

“I see.” She nods. “That makes good sense.”

“And anyway, I’m forty-seven, she’s forty-four, and we’ve got four kids already. There was no need to prolong the question of it.” He sits up a bit. “Don’t feel like less of a man or anythin’, if that’s what you’re thinkin’. ‘m not…emasculated by it.”

“…Good.”

“Bit put out, granted,” he continues. “Did you know that even after the procedure it’s roughly twelve weeks before your…you know, the semen is gone?”

Marjorie cocks her head to the side. “I did not.”

“Anyhow, Ellie breathes a wee bit easier now and so then do I.”

“Okay.” She crosses one leg over the other. “From what I can gather, it seems easiest for you to talk about your wife. To talk about Ellie. Would you like to do a bit more of that now?”

She’s astute, he must admit. Although perhaps it’s true that he isn’t exactly subtle. He has always been most comfortable when talking about Ellie. It’s _almost_ like she’s right there with him, though not quite as nice.

“Yeah, all right.”

He’s still going to make her work for a bit though.

Marjorie stares at him expectantly, rotating her ankle casually. He crosses one leg over the other, then winces and immediately uncrosses it. Still sore.

She sighs quietly. “How did you meet?”

This is exactly why she has to work for it. The answer to the most obvious question about his relationship with Ellie is also the most difficult.

“Well.” He folds his arms across his chest. “This is not a quick story.”

Marjorie seems buoyed by this. She holds her pen at the ready. “All right.”

“Ellie and I met on the beach, a few metres away from a murdered eleven-year-old boy.”

Alec can see just the slightest bit of recognition in her eyes. It’s been five years, but it’s still more or less the most notable thing that’s happened in Dorset for longer than that.

“I’d just been brought on as DI. Ellie was my DS, but it was her first day back after goin’ on holiday. She was meant to be promoted into my job. So already I wasn’t her favourite person,” Alec explains. “The murdered boy was her son’s best mate. And, as it turned out in the end, had been murdered by her husband.” He meets Marjorie’s eyes. “So that’s how we met.”

*

Ellie is mildly terrified upon their return to CID. She keeps a steady hand on Alec’s arm as she guides him toward the office. He’s quiet at first, but once they reach the middle of the floor, he stops.

“Listen up, you lot.”

“No, no, Alec,” Ellie whispers harshly, trying to drag him away.

“You better listen to this woman,” he demands of them. “This woman knows what she’s doin’. When she tells you to do somethin’, you do it. Understand?”

Everyone nods.

“…I’ve not told them to do anything,” Ellie says.

“Right. Well.” He turns back to them. “When she does. You do as you’re told.” He points a finger at them. “No exceptions.”

Ellie drags him away, smiling apologetically at their colleagues. She pushes him into his office, thankfully off the main hallway and mostly away from any prying eyes, and leads him to his desk.

“Sit here now. Go on.” She guides him into his chair. He winces a bit. “See, the drugs are starting to wear off, aren’t they.”

“’m fine.” He holds a hand to his groin, then looks up at her innocently. “Will you sit with me?”

Instead, she puts a sandwich down on the desk before him. “Eat this. I’m going to get you some ice.” She heads for the door then suddenly whirls back around. “Stay where you are. Do _not_ do anything to make me have to explain your behavior, you know if I tell them the truth you’ll be grumpy later.”

Alec leans back in his chair and lets out a relaxed sigh as he finds a comfortable position. Ellie rolls her eyes then continues out the door.

He’s taking apart the sandwich when she returns, setting all the ingredients aside in various piles on the unwrapped paper.

“Heaven’s sake,” Ellie immediately sighs.

“Makin’ it into a salad,” Alec explains.

“That’s not actually how that works.”

She stands at his side and places the ice pack on his groin. He grabs her hand and holds it there before she can pull it away again.

“ _Alec_.”

His eyes sparkle at her. “Yes?”

“This is not very sexy, you know,” she tells him. “You with an ice pack on your balls. Not exactly a path to seduction.”

He closes his eyes and leans back again, a dreamy smile on his face, and does not let go of her hand. “Feels good.”

Ellie kneels at his side. “Babe.”

He turns his head to her and smiles. “I love you.”

She makes a disgruntled face at him. “Ooh, you’re crafty,” she grumbles. “I love you too. But I need you to pull yourself together now.”

“But I love you,” he argues plaintively. “And I love your hand. I love it right where it is.”

“Uh huh.” She pats his arm with her other hand. “As much as I’m enjoying holding this ice pack between your legs, it’s time for you to eat some lunch so we can both get back to work.”

The dreamy smile returns to his face. He strokes her cheek. “You’re so beautiful.”

She smiles back then kisses the corner of his mouth. “Come on now.” She stands, slipping her hand out from his grasp. “I’m just popping to my office to get some things then I’ll come back in here and work alongside you, all right?”

“All right.”

“I’ll make you some tea as well, yeah?”

He nods, still making eyes at her. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” She backs up toward the door again. “Stay where you are. Promise me.”

“Promise you anythin’.”

“…Good then.” She scurries out the door quickly.

He stares at his deconstructed sandwich as if seeing it for the first time, then frowns. “…What the bloody hell is this shite?”

*

“Not gonna speak about the case.”

“I haven’t asked you to.”

“Right.” Alec nods to himself. “Sorry. Never had to tell this story without Ellie before.”

“That’s all right, I understand,” Marjorie assures him. “Tell me whatever you like, however you’d like to.”

“Well, I.” He looks down. “I was in a bad way at the time. Had come off a…difficult case. Professionally and personally. And just moved to town, to get away from it all. My daughter Daisy was still back home and not speakin’ to me. I’d gotten divorced. And Ellie was just…a good person. Kind, smart, witty – annoyingly so. We drove each other mad through most of the case. She was happy then, with her husband and her boys. I was envious of her, if I’m bein’ honest. Dunno when exactly I…started to have feelings for her, but the realization hit me about the time I understood who the killer was. That it was Joe. Her husband. If I hadn’t been broken already, it might’ve broken me. Havin’ to do that to her. Shatter her whole world. It was miserable.”

“And then what?”

“Ah, I didn’t really see her for a while. Six months or so,” he replies. “She left town, took a demotion a few towns over. Then the case went to trial, Joe pled _not guilty_ , and I somehow roped her into helpin’ me solve an old case. The difficult case I mentioned earlier, it had never been solved really. We spent a lot of time together. Most of our time truthfully. Fred, too. He was just a baby, not even two years old. He was with us a good lot of the time. And we were both – well, wrecks. I’d always been, since she’d known me anyway, but now she was too. Absolute messes. Looking back, I can hardly believe I even asked her to take on the case but it was the distraction we needed, it gave us both purpose, I think. And I was an absolutely miserable sod, but I was also more or less a goner.”

“A goner?”

“I was done for. Head over heels, you know,” he says. “Stupid phrase.”

“Ah, right.”

“In love with her, with Fred. Refused to show it, of course, even _I_ knew it would’ve been selfish to burden her with all that. So, we solved the case. Joe was acquitted – still out there, believe it or not. And I left.”

Marjorie is listening to him wide-eyed. “…This is quite a lot to unpack.”

Alec lets out a short laugh. “No kiddin’.”

“So how did you ultimately wind up together?”

“I came back,” Alec answers succinctly.

Marjorie just stares at him.

“I was gone for two years. And then I came back, took my old job, we started spendin’ time together again…you know, for work, and then…not for work. Guess we…gave ourselves time to heal. For her, emotionally. For me…uh, both, I guess, emotional _and_ physical.”

This is cruel to dangle in front of her, he knows, but he also knows there’s no way they can unpack _all_ of this in a single session.

She gestures vaguely at him with her pen. “Are you going to tell me what that means?”

“How much time’ve we got left?”

*

“You _did_ , you grabbed my tits in front of the bloody nurse, _twice_!”

Ellie slams the car door shut and Alec does the same with his. They’re both laughing.

“I’m _sorry_ , El.”

“I met a whole new Alec today.” She walks over to him and takes his arm as they move up the front path to the house. “Quite cute, for the most part.”

“Oh, was he.” Alec smirks.

They walk up the porch steps.

“In a pitiful sort of way.”

In the house, Molly is sitting with Fred in the living room, where he is deeply invested in his latest Lego creation. Aila sits on the floor, banging two blocks together.

“Mumma, Daddy!” Fred jumps off, sprinting over to Alec and Ellie.

“Hello!” Ellie calls out.

Fred throws his arms around Alec’s legs and in doing so, smashes into a very sensitive area.

“Whoa there, lad.” He pulls Fred back a bit.

“Careful with your dad then, Fred,” Ellie says, going to pick up Aila off the floor.

“Why?” Fred asks, looking up with his big brown eyes. “Are you sick? Like Mumma was sick before?”

“Nah, just a bit sore, mate, nothin’ to fret over,” Alec replies.

Molly gathers her things and says her goodbyes then slips out the door. Ellie holds Aila, who is trying to eat her chin.

“Want to show you my art from camp today.” Fred runs off into the hallway.

Alec goes to Ellie and Aila. The baby leans over to him and holds her arms out until he takes her. She slaps her hands on his cheeks repeatedly, excitedly babbling, then grasps at his beard – it’s her comfort gesture.

“Hello, my wee darlin’.” He kisses her forehead. “Got any new words for us today?”

“Yayayayayaya,” Aila says proudly, then lurches forward to bite his chin with her gums.

Ellie smiles at them and then goes off in search of Fred. Alec follows her, bouncing Aila in his arms a bit as she keeps lovingly slapping his face and grasping his beard.

Fred stands at the kitchen table with a number of crayon drawings spread out on the surface.

“This one is the cliffs and the ocean!”

Ellie picks up the one next to it, cringing. “And this is…. – “

“Beans,” Fred replies proudly.

“Beans,” she repeats, nodding, then looking over at Alec.

“…Well done,” Alec says.

There are several others: a football, a portrait of Rhino, and Aquaman. But Ellie keeps coming back to the beans, rather stupefied. Aila, meanwhile, has not noticed a single one of them. She’s just looking at her father adoringly, with her signature close-lipped smile, her hands touching his face all over. She pulls on his nose and Ellie laughs.

“Pay attention,” Fred insists.

“Sorry.” Ellie disappears her smile.

“I made a bead necklace too.” He pulls it out of his pocket.

“Oh, thank god,” Ellie exhales, a hand to her heart. “I thought you said _bean_ necklace.”

Fred holds it up. “It’s for you, Mumma.”

“Thank you, my little love.” She kneels down to the floor so he can place it over her head. It just barely fits. “It’s just lovely, I adore it.”

Fred smiles with great satisfaction, then looks at Alec. “What’s for dinner, Daddy?”

“Uh.” Aila’s fingers are in his mouth.

“We’re ordering takeaway, love,” Ellie says quickly. “Daddy’s got to rest a bit tonight.”

“Does that mean we can’t play Avengers?”

“No, but you can _watch_ Avengers.”

“Okay!” Fred runs out of the kitchen.

“Go rest yourself,” Ellie says, turning to Alec. When he frowns at her, she doubles down. “The better care you take, the quicker you’ll heal and the sooner we can – “

“Fine.” He heads for the door with his happy little junior partner in tow.

*

“I’ve got a pacemaker in my chest.”

Alec squirms a bit in his seat.

“The stress of the earlier case aggravated an arrythmia and it – for a while, it didn’t look good. But it’s all sorted now. I might forget it was there if Ellie would let me.”

Marjorie is writing hastily. “Do you not worry that another stressful case could, as you say, aggravate it again?”

“No. ‘s what the pacemaker’s for,” he replies. “Besides, that particular case was…extraordinary on a few levels. That sort of perfect storm’s highly unlikely to visit again.”

“Are you otherwise in good health?”

“Impeccable.” He begins to sit up a bit straighter. “I run, eat healthy, keep vices in moderation. I am otherwise in excellent health.”

She’s eyeing him now. “But you worry, don’t you.”

“Aye, well, ‘course I do, I’ve a family,” Alec answers, stiffening again. It seems like every time he begins to relax, he has to put his guard up again. “Children I’d like to see grown and happy. But the doctor says I’ve no reason to believe that won’t happen. Which is bloody good as my wife has certainly been through enough.”

Marjorie nods slowly. “You worry about leaving Ellie behind.”

He rubs his face with his hand. “About puttin’ her through any kind of trauma, yeah. Had more than enough for a lifetime, she has, and I’ll not contribute to anymore. And we’ve only gotten to be together two years now. I’d like a good lot more before anythin’ happens to me.”

“Do you share these thoughts with her?”

“Ah, not really, don’t come up that often. Try not to think about it if I’m bein’ honest.”

“I wonder if, subconsciously, this was part of your decision to have a vasectomy,” Marjorie suggests.

Alec merely shrugs. He’s not sure that’s true – also not sure it isn’t – and he hasn’t got anything to say on the matter.

“Do you mind me asking, what was so difficult about the earlier case you mentioned?”

“Ah…” Alec takes a moment to consider all of the responses he might give. Then he glances at the analog clock behind Marjorie. “Not sure we have the time today.”

*

Aila’s new habit of waking up around 10pm is starting to become predictable.

“Is it possible she’s doin’ this because she just…misses us?” Alec leans over the sink and spits out his toothpaste.

Ellie is standing a few feet away, nursing the baby and bouncing her gently back and forth. “Seems a bit sophisticated. Calculated.”

“Could be subconscious.” He rinses out his mouth then moves into the doorway of the ensuite. “She’s been sleepin’ through the night for months now, and all of a sudden she’s up after three hours.”

Aila is looking up at Ellie with wide eyes as she nurses, playing with her own hair (what little there is).

“Dunno,” she says. “If it lasts much longer we’ll just have to…try and let her soothe herself through it but she’s never had a problem before, as you say, so I’m willing to accept it as a phase.” She walks around the room slowly, patting her back. “And she always goes down again after nursing. Could be far worse.”

He walks over and kisses Aila’s cheek, then goes to the bed. He pulls back the duvet, wincing and groaning as he lowers himself down.

“Should prop yourself on a pillow or something,” Ellie suggests.

He spends the next couple of minutes trying out different pillow/position combinations until he finds one that seems to do the trick.

“Poor Daddy,” Ellie says, leaning down to kiss Aila’s forehead. “And to think he’s never even given birth or carried a human being inside him for nine months.”

Alec scowls as her as he reaches for his glasses and his book.

“I’ve given birth three times, you know.” She walks over to his side of the bed. “And currently have a small person attached to my tits while you lay there swathed with pillows reading a bloody book.”

Aila tips her head back, smiles up at her mother, then says, “Duck.”

“Thank you.” She glances down, then guides the baby back to her breast. “Do you think she thinks _duck_ is _book_?”

“You just want to tell people our daughter’s first word was _book_ ,” Alec scoffs. “Then give her a wee monocle and a smokin’ jacket.”

Ellie laughs out loud, causing Aila’s eyes to widen in alarm. “Sorry, baby.” She strokes her forehead until she starts to drowse. “Could grow up to be an intellectual, you know.”

“Unlikely given her lineage,” Alec replies, reaching for his book again.

“Well, your father – “

He looks up. Ellie sighs.

“Don’t do that, don’t look at me like I committed a crime just because I mentioned your father, I thought you’d worked through this,” Ellie complains.

He thought he had too. He looks away. “Right."

Aila lets go of Ellie’s nipple and is fast asleep. Ellie pulls her dressing gown closed. “Just gonna go put her down.”

She comes back a few minutes later with an ice pack in hand and closes the door behind her.

“Here.” She hands it to him.

He holds onto her hand briefly before she moves away again. “Thanks, love.”

She changes out of her dressing gown and into her pyjamas then crawls into bed beside him.

He has a book in one hand and holds the ice pack on his crotch with the other. She stares at him.

“You realize we are fully in bed by 10:15 right now.”

“The sooner I go to sleep, the sooner it’ll be two days from now,” Alec replies. “And I can shag your brains out.”

Ellie plugs her mobile into her charger. “ _If_ you’re not still too sore.”

He grumbles and slides down the headboard, burying his face in his book. She lies on her side watching him.

“ _What_ ,” he demands finally, turning to her.

She reaches forward and gently pulls off his glasses. “You were very sweet today.”

He raises an eyebrow. “When I was drugged?”

“Yes.” She smoothes his hair out of his face. “And before that. Thank you for getting the procedure done.”

He softens, turning onto his own side and facing her. “Truly the least I could do for you.”

The ice pack slides off him. “Mind the ice pack,” she says, nodding toward it.

He finds it and holds it to his crotch again. She smiles.

“So pathetic.” She laughs softly at him. “I was thinking this afternoon about the day Aila was born.”

“Why?”

“Dunno really. Maybe it was knowing that was the last time I’d ever give birth,” Ellie replies thoughtfully. “That’s all done now, that part of my life.”

He frowns.

“No, it’s good,” she assures him, reaching out to touch his arm. “A good thing. Just giving it its due. Letting it go.” She strokes his arm with her thumb. “Remember when she was born, she was so _small_ , we couldn’t believe it.”

Alec nods slowly. “I remember when she opened her eyes and looked at you for the first time. She still looks at you like that, you know. With a bit of awe and wonder.”

Ellie smiles. “She looks at _you_ like she’s got a big ole schoolgirl crush, like she’s face to face with Brad Pitt or something.”

“Quite right,” Alec replies.

“We’re very lucky,” Ellie says. “And we’ve done the right thing.”

He drapes his arm around her and pulls her in closer. “El.”

She settles on the pillow beside him, getting comfortable. “Yeah.”

“I’ll go to the therapist,” he tells her. “ _A_ therapist. Got to make sure I stay right in the head, eh? For them and for you.”

She smiles widely, her eyes moist. “We do owe them that, don’t we. And each other.”

“We do.”

“Good.” She strokes his face, dragging her fingertip along his cheekbone then tapping his nose. “I’ll ask Dr. Keller for a recommendation in the morning, find someone right for you. And if you hate it, you don’t have to go back.”

He nods. Then says, “Define hate.”

*

“I’ve dealt with some trauma, all right?” He says defensively. “I’ve had a few bad hands dealt me because that’s the way it goes, nothin’ to be done about it. Things are good _now_ , better than they’ve ever been before, and I’ve no need to complain about the past.”

“Complain?” Marjorie replies, surprised. “You can discuss the past without complaining about it. Although to be fair, complaining is also fine. We’ve got the right to complain about our lot and it’s often cathartic to do so. Catharsis is good, is healthy. But more to the point, _have_ you dealt with it?” She appears skeptical. “My understanding is that this is your first time in therapy.”

“Yeah. It is.” He’s looking past her now, at the bookshelf directly behind her. “I’ve dealt with plenty on my own. Never had any trouble handlin’ things on my own.”

Marjorie sits up straight, her interest piqued. “It’s quite difficult to deal with things on one’s own, you know. We need support, we need outside perspective. The compassion and honesty of others. The expertise of those who are trained for exactly this. I’m not saying you haven’t done some work of your own, I suspect you have. But why do you think Ellie wanted you to go to therapy so badly?”

This gives him pause. He folds his hands together in his lap, continuing to avoid her gaze.

“You strike me as someone who has trouble asking for help, and that’s okay. You’re in very good company. But you’ve shown up _here_ , in my office, which is a fantastic first step. It may take us some time but we _will_ work through your past trauma together, if you’ll allow it, and you’ll come to know what it feels like to have truly dealt with something.” She leans forward. “Are you willing to do that?”

Alec looks down at his lap. “Yeah. S’pose so.”

“All right.” Marjorie nods. “And it can’t simply be because Ellie asked you to. You have to want it.”

He looks up finally. “I do.”

“Good. I’m glad to hear it.” She stands. “Same time next week?”

*

Ellie walks him to the front door of the building.

“I’m so proud of you.” She squeezes both his arms.

“Ah, come on.” He looks down, hair falling into his face.

“I mean it.” She lifts his chin until he’s looking at her. “Going to therapy is _hard_ , the work is hard, and it means something that you’re taking this step.”

He nods.

“And remember, you call the shots. You go at your own pace, talk about what you want to talk about,” Ellie says.

“Yeah, right.”

She pushes herself up on her tiptoes and kisses his cheek. “I’ll be back to fetch you after _my_ appointment.”

His face lights up at the reminder.

“So if it helps any, just think of the _reward_ that awaits you this evening.” She smirks at him coyly.

He groans longingly, bringing his hands to her hips. “May very well explode in the meantime.”

“Please don’t,” Ellie says quickly. “I want you good and ready for me later."

He groans again. “ _Ellie_.” His hands slide down to her arse as he glances around to confirm no one is watching. “ _Fifteen days_.”

“I know.” She taps his nose. “Come here.” She pulls him down into a slow, sensuous kiss until he’s forced to come up for air. “We’ve got a long night coming to us.”

His mouth hangs open a bit.

“Now go. I love you. You’ve got this.”

She guides him toward to the door.

“Have fun!”

He opens the door and steps inside.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible bonus chapter if people are interested. Thanks for reading.


	4. Bonus Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's your bonus chapter! Thanks for reading!

Their simultaneous appointments were at 5pm. When she picks him up at 6pm, it’s unbearable. Just the cheeky expression on her face informs him that she’s been given the go ahead from Dr. Sinclair. He has instant flashbacks to the last time they were in this position, about eight weeks after Aila was born. The last fifteen days have been agony, he cannot even begin to remember how he survived eight weeks. (Perhaps the excitement and utter exhaustion of adjusting to a tiny preterm infant, but who’s to say.)

There’s little they can do in the moment. They can feel the anguish of the restraint in their bodies. They have to go home, relieve Molly, make supper, spend time with the kids, put them to bed…

So many things, jesus christ, so much in their way.

“We can make it,” Ellie says confidently, reading his mind. “Just need to focus. Focus on each task at hand, stay in the moment.”

Too bad he’s currently imagining dragging her into the backseat and ripping her clothes off.

“Stop it.” She’s frowning at him. She knows. Of course she knows.

“Sorry.” He swallows.

“Have to make it to 8pm.” By then, both Fred and Aila will be in bed. Tom and Daisy, who knows, but the teenagers couldn’t care less what their parents get up to on a summer evening.

“8pm,” he repeats, with much less certainty. Then his face crumples up in pain. “ _Why_ do we have so many children.”

“Bloody idiots,” Ellie mutters in agreement.

They both take a deep breath at the same time.

“All right.” She starts the car. “Here we go.”

*

At 8:01, Alec and Ellie slowly tiptoe out of Fred’s room. They stand outside the closed door silently, waiting, knowing that if he’s going to call for more water or decide he has to go to the loo, it’ll be in the next thirty seconds. They wait with their fingers crossed.

Then he grabs her hands and drags her quickly into the bedroom.

She carefully, quietly closes and locks the door. He switches on the sound machine next to it.

“Aila will probably be up again in two hours,” Ellie says urgently, turning to him.

“Awfully optimistic if you think it’s gonna take that long.”

He grabs her waist and pushes her against the wall. She breathes out, her face flushed, grinning cunningly. His eyes locked with hers, he breathes heavily, sliding a hand up her skirt slowly, tantalizing. She grabs onto his belt, pulling him tightly against her. His hand travels to the inside of her thigh and continues upward. With his other hand he squeezes her arse, leading her to lurch forward and nip at his bottom lip hungrily.

The one thing they’ll always have is the one thing they always somehow knew they _would_ have, even long before they were together: incredible sexual chemistry.

Though it’s only been fifteen days (note: subjects would strenuously object to the author’s use of the word _only_ here) and though they typically shag on an extremely regular, even frequent basis, it can be easy to forget that fact. To forget to _live_ in that fact for a moment. To honor the sheer magic of the moment when your breath catches in your throat and you can’t look away and your fingertips feel like fire. They take those things for granted sometimes, too often. And then, at times like this one, after an agonizing forced period of celibacy: they remember.

He begins to stroke her through her knickers and she bites her own lip and closes her eyes, leaning her head back against the wall. He brings his lips to her throat, sucking on her rapidly beating pulse point as his fingers become more insistent. It nearly takes more concentration than she can currently muster, but she manages to unbuckle his belt and yanks it off with a startling _snap_ of the leather. It may make him flinch but it doesn’t deter him. He’s intent on marking her well and good.

The last fifteen days, they’ve done their share of snogging but, with the knowledge that it could only go so far, they had kept it somewhat restrained. Few things are more miserable than getting wildly hot and bothered only to then switch off the lamp and go to sleep. They know this well and are smart about it. Thus she’s not had a single mark on her in over two weeks and Alec is not content with this. He loves to brand her as much as he loves saying _my wife_.

She’s hissing at the pain of it as much as moaning from the pleasure of it. The combination gets him unbelievably hard. They have always been well-matched this way.

Ellie unzips his fly to help release him from how tight his trousers have become and he thanks her by now plunging his hand _inside_ her knickers, finally. She gasps and he raises his head to kiss her, tongue plunging into her mouth much in the same way. He rubs her clit slowly, relishing every resulting sound that comes out of her. He sucks on her bottom lip as she raises her hips into his hand desperately. His free hand moves to cover her breast, two layers of fabric creating a frustrating barrier, but his thumb stroke brushes over her nipple all the same.

“Alec,” she exhales, and his response to hearing his name in this breathy, desperate tone is to stick his tongue back in her mouth and devour her.

He’s going to make her come right here against the wall, he’s decided. No sensing in waiting. He is blessed with a multi-orgasmic wife. And he’s going to make her go _blind_ tonight.

She’s beyond ready for him and after nearly two and a half years of studying her closely, he knows he can make her come _almost_ on command.

“Please,” she begs him.

He kisses her cheek then drags his lips down to her shoulder, biting into the skin there. Then, squeezing her breast at the same time, he swirls his thumb and crooks his fingers in the exact right combination, relentlessly until she’s crying out. He smiles into her as her chest quickly rises and falls, pressing soothing lips to her skin.

“Oh, fuck, that felt good.”

He chuckles, kissing his way back to her lips and finally removing his hand from her knickers. “Really, I couldn’t tell.”

She whacks his shoulder, but it’s without much fervor. “Wanker.”

He kisses her long and slow. She slips her arms up around his neck, curving her whole body into the kiss.

“Mmmm….” She touches his face, scratches at his beard lovingly. She’s warm and glowing.

There’s something so delicious about her, he can’t help himself gripping her thighs and lifting her up. She lets out a little yelp.

“Mind your back.”

“Can manage six steps to the bed,” he grumbles at her.

She’s thrown on the mattress a bit haphazardly. He has no grace whatsoever. She laughs and immediately starts wriggling out of her skirt.

“Meant to do that,” Alec insists, divesting himself of his trousers at the same time. “Like you all…roughened up and tousled.”

He steps out of his trousers then yanks her skirt all the way off her, leaving both items of clothing in a careless heap on the floor.

“I’ll tousle _you_ ,” Ellie retorts, maintaining an air of seductiveness, and starts unbuttoning her sleeveless blouse.

“Oh go on.” He crawls on top of her, hovering over her on his hands and knees. “Inspector.” He gives her a curt nod.

She raises an eyebrow. “ _Sir_.”

He growls, then falls onto her, kissing her with wild fervor. “Christ, why are you so hot,” he murmurs, his lips smashing back into hers before she has the chance to respond. It’s fine. She’d only blush and grin anyway. He means it, but he’s also long since learned that this is about the best thing you can say to your wife and exhausted mother of four.

Ellie flips him onto his back and straddles him, knocking the wind clean out of them both. She grins as she catches her breath, watching him undress her with his eyes while she undresses herself. She flings off her blouse. He stares at her lacy black bra like he wants to devour her whole.

“You wore a lacy one,” he says dumbly.

“Oh yes.” She flicks a strap. “And you bloody well ought to thank me, lace bras are no friend to the nursing mother, I tell you that.”

“Plan to keep thankin’ you all night long,” he replies with a smirk.

They both work on unbuttoning _his_ shirt then – she works her way up from the bottom, he from the top. He doesn’t take his eyes off her chest for a single second and this does not go unnoticed by her. She feels a little tingle run up and down her spine at his devout attention. Once he’s freed himself from his shirt, she leans down, covering his body with his, her lace-clad breasts pressed against him. Both of his hands reach for her arse and squeeze it.

“Miss me?” She asks coyly, knowing the answer full well. Then she rolls her hips into him.

“Fuck, Ellie.” He kisses her. “Only every second of the last fifteen soddin’ days.”

She gasps sharply into the kiss when she needs to catch her breath, then he uses the moment to flip them over again. He kisses his way down to her chest, in between her breasts, as he grinds into her rhythmically, unconsciously. Ellie feels around underneath her until she unhooks the clasp of her bra and the band snaps. He groans approvingly and peels it off her entirely. He smiles and exhales happily before taking one of her breasts in his mouth. She chuckles at his enthusiasm. Always there, never waning, not for a second. She wonders briefly if he’s always been a tits man, as it were. Or perhaps she’d prefer not to know.

He sucks on her nipple and she squirms with pleasure until her milk lets down and she opens her eyes suddenly.

“Alec.” She lifts his head. “You can’t – if the baby wakes up again soon and I don’t have enough give her – “

He drops his head to her chest and groans loudly.

“Later,” she assures him.

He moves on and resigns himself to leaving a mark on the side of her breast, biting and licking. He continues to grind into her until both their underthings are soaked through. As much as she hates to stop him, she knows she has to.

“Babe.”

He groans again, an involuntary reaction to all the interruptions. He’s very busy after all.

“You’re going to come before you’re even inside me,” she warns him. “Which sort of defeats the purpose of the last fifteen days.”

He’s been dreading this. He’s beyond desperate to be inside her, but he has yet to accept that the only way he can do it for the next few months is with the protection of a bloody condom. He raises his head and looks at her, flushed and disgruntled.

She’s waiting impatiently and he’s hesitating, just hovering over her indecisively.

“Oh for god’s sakes, just _get one_ ,” Ellie demands.

He groans _again_ , even more loudly this time, and rolls off of her.

Ellie props herself up on her elbows and watches him. “For someone who’s been desperate to shag me for so long you seem to be complaining an awful lot.”

He ignores her and grabs the new basket of condoms that now lives under his side of the bed. Yesterday they’d gone together to a chemist the next town over and picked out a few different brands and types together on their lunch break.

“Which should we do?” He sifts through the basket like it’s a bowl of candy on Halloween.

“Just the most normal one to start, eh?”

“Yeah.” He grabs the _Barely There_ type they’d picked out. That seems promising enough.

He sits on the bed and tries to open it. His hands are sweaty and he’s too keyed up. She sits up and grabs the packet from him, easily ripping it open. Then she looks at him.

“You do it,” he requests, with mild apprehension. He hopes that will make it sexier.

“Fine, sit back.” She gestures at the headboard and he scoots himself back. It’s a bit slippery to start, but then she’s able to roll it on his erection slowly. He finds himself involuntarily bucking up into her hands. Not so bad really, so far. Once she’s rolled it all the way on, she takes him in hand. “Seems all right.”

He gasps a bit. “Yeah.”

She glances at him questioningly. “Yeah? It’ll do?”

He swallows and nods.

“Any soreness?”

He shakes his head. Not that he’d tell her if there was, not at this point.

“Good.” She moves over him, straddling his legs, then kisses him, slow and languid. It’s so nice that he moans into her mouth. Then she takes him in hand again and slowly guides him inside her, taking her time until he lets out a whimper. Once she’s taken him all the way in, they both let out a massive sigh of relief.

“Fuck,” Alec gasps.

He can feel the difference, it’s true, even though the condom is supposedly _barely there_ , but it’s not so terrible as he was imagining. This is the benefit of preparing for the worst.

“You good?” He asks.

Her eyes are closed and she’s nodding. She begins to rock her hips back and forth, getting used to him again. It’s unbearably sexy.

“Ellie.”

Watching her and feeling her…he has no idea how he manages to keep from jumping her every second of every day.

“Mm.” She kisses him, taking his face in her hands as she continues to rock slowly. He opens his mouth to her and pressing his fingertips into her hips, squeezing hard at the flesh there. “Yeah,” she whispers, to nothing and yet to all of it.

She takes his hand and places it on her breast. He loves when she does that, when she guides him to what she wants. And he loves _seeing_ that she wants it, feeling it. Partners in all things, even making love is a true collaboration.

“I love you,” he says, kneading her breast, sucking on her bottom lip.

“Mm-hmm.” She runs her fingers through his hair, periodically yanking at it.

She almost never says _I love you_ back to him during sex. Partly because she is easily distracted in bed, but also because she never wanted the words _I love you_ to feel in any way obligatory, an automatic reciprocation. Even in everyday moments, when he says _I love you_ , she will often respond with _I love you_ right back, instead of _I love you too_. Because she wants him to know she’s not saying it back just because he said it, because it’s an automated response. She only ever says it because she feels it and she means it.

It’s a barely perceptible difference for most people. But it means something to them.

“El.” He kisses her shoulder and then buries his face in her neck. “You know ‘m not goin’ to last long this time.” Not after two plus weeks, not a chance.

She nods. “I know.”

“I’ll try.”

“It’s all right.” She feels too good right now to care. And she knows he’ll spend the next hour or so of his recovery time making her come. She married the best person in the world, after all.

Holding tightly to her arse, he rolls them onto the bed so that he’s on top of her. As much as he loves having her on top of him, he loves the feeling of thrusting deep inside her just the same. He’s thought of it every single day since they were told to stop having sex.

He loves the way she looks up at him, the way he can watch her entire body flush, feel any part of her he wants to. And there are few things more compelling to him than watching a bead (or more) of sweat dripping down over her breasts. That’s art right there, he’s convinced of it.

She stretches her arms out and over her head and it’s so beautiful. He leans down and finds her hands, curling their fingers together as he moves inside her. Her shoulder-length hair is damp with sweat and she’s smiling at him lazily, the smile occasionally interrupted by a sharp gasp when he thrusts deep enough. He kisses her, soft and slow and over and over. This is the best of all possible worlds.

Then she wraps her legs around him tightly and suddenly he’s painfully close. The look on her face suggests she knew exactly what she was doing. She could have tried to prolong it, but it’s high time to give him the relief he’s been after. She wants to watch his face when he comes, feel his body shudder. He’s so beautiful and it makes _her_ feel beautiful even.

His thrusts pick up speed and he’s choking out her name, squeezing her hands as he buries his face in her neck. His breath is hot on her skin as he gasps to a finish. She runs her fingers up and down his back soothingly and kisses his hair.

“Oh god,” he breathes out. “No more celibacy breaks. Not ever again.”

She smiles. “Yes, my love.”

He presses wet kisses into her shoulder and chest. He almost _thanks_ her, but she’d laugh. “Love you,” he murmurs. “More than anythin’.”

Alec pulls out of her and rolls to the side and oh cripes, there’s the condom. He sits up a bit and slides it off. He’s no longer practiced at this as he was in his youth but he manages to tie it off somewhat messily.

“Wow.” Ellie is blinking at it. Then she scrunches up her face. “That’s a lot.”

He stares at her, then stretches over the bed to toss it in the bin.

“Sorry, you just forget the _amount_ of it when you can’t see it all…bagged up there.”

He lays back down beside her. “Please stop talkin’ about the condom.”

“Sorry.” She drops her head back down and sighs. “Glad to have all your little babymakers in the bin and not in me though.”

“Ellie.”

“ _Sorry_.” She turns her head, grinning at him, clearly pleased with the way she’s annoyed him. “Feel better?”

He brings his hand to her neck and kisses her. “Gettin’ there. Got a ways to go with you yet, woman.”

“Ambitious.” She kisses him back.

His hand smoothes its way down to her breasts and he covers one. “Not gonna stop touchin’ you all night.”

“ _All night_ , eh?” She smirks. “Spoken like a man _without_ four children and a very demanding job to get to in the morning.”

“Some nights are just for us though,” he tells her. “Some night are ours.”

“You’re forgetting the baby that will wake up for no reason in about forty-five minutes.”

“A brief guest star.” He squeezes her breast. “A bit player, even.”

Ellie snorts. “I look forward to the day when I can remind you you once referred to your daughter as _a bit player_.”

He ignores her, kissing her shoulder and sliding his hands down further. He runs his fingertips back and forth across her lower belly.

“You’ve still barely said a thing about therapy today, you know.”

“Really? Now?” He stares at her incredulously.

“Well for god sakes we _can_ take a _break_.” She rolls her eyes.

He brings his hand to her inner thigh.

“Oh,” she exhales.

“Oh. That’s right, oh.”

It’s among his favourite things in the world, lying beside her while he gets her off. Watching the rapid changes in her expression, the way she writhes against him, the way she closes her eyes and occasionally laughs with joy.

Ellie parts her thighs wide and bends one knee, pushing greedily into his hand. He loves that she wants what she wants when it comes to sex and that’s all there is. She’s someone who gives and gives in daily life and he gets immense pleasure out of watching her _take_. Receive.

She’s biting her lip and whimpering desperately. She arches her back and starts panting heavily. He has to hold her in place with his other hand to keep her steady.

“Look at me, El.” He’s staring down at her intently.

She doesn’t. In fact her eyes may be closed tighter than before.

He leans down and whispers in her ear. “Come on, babe. Look at me.”

She turns her head and opens her eyes. It’s always more intense when they lock eyes, for whomever is doing the receiving. Sometimes Ellie’s afraid she won’t be able to stand it so she hesitates. But when she does, she comes hard and fast, laughing joyously as she cries out.

She breathes out, then turns to grin at him. He keeps his hand at her thigh.

“Adore you,” she says, rolling into him, an arm thrown over his waist.

Suddenly he starts laughing.

“What?” She asks, confused.

“D’you remember when you came up to Glasgow that first time,” he starts. “And you – “

“Oh god.” She hides her face in his chest.

“A whole bloody monologue about my _masterful hands_.”

“Stop,” she complains, muffled.

“Extraordinary.” As he chuckles, she presses a kiss to his neck. “I was _mortified_ yet I’d never been more in love with you.”

“Sums up our relationship well enough.” She tangles their legs together, absently rubbing his chest as her head rests on his shoulder. “What did you tell Marjorie about us?”

He sighs. “You’re relentless.”

“I know,” she admits sheepishly.

“Do _I_ ask _you_ what you tell Dr. Keller?”

“…Yes.”

There’s a pause. Then he kisses her forehead. “We’ll talk about it. I promise. But with wine and a carton of ice cream, not in bed like this.”

She frowns. “Was it that bad?”

“No, no.” He tightens his arms around her. “Not at all.”

She raises her head to look at him. “Will you go back? Just tell me that much.”

He offers her a small smile. Secretly he does love how much she cares. “I’ll go back.”

She exhales then lays her head down again. They lie wrapped up together for a while, hands roaming, bodies intertwined. He makes her laugh over and over – he’s in rare form. They talk about Fred’s recently resurfaced obsession with beans, Daisy’s rude new friend Kate, and the ridiculousness of the fun fair that took up residence back behind the little blue chalet on the river. She complains that he never took Fred on any of the rides.

“Fred was barely two years old!” Alec argues. “He cared for the bright flashing lights and naught else.”

“Still.”

Then there’s a loud whine sounding from the baby monitor on Ellie’s nightstand.

“Ah, there she is,” Ellie says with a sigh.

Alec reaches for the device, being closest to it, and they stare at the video screen together. Aila rolls over and sits up, rubbing her eyes. Amongst her pitiful whining there’s a _mumumumumumum_ , which is the babble she most frequently chooses to convey her complaints. They watch with amusement for a moment, but then she grabs onto the bars of the crib and very suddenly pulls herself all the way up to standing.

Ellie and Alec immediately bolt up, rushing for their respective dressing gowns, and dash out of the room. Her crib mattress is still a bit too high for her to be safely standing, for this is the first time she’s ever done it. They burst into the room, worried she’ll catapult herself over the edge, and startle her to the point where she plops back down. This makes her whine even more. She holds out her arms and cries half-heartedly. Ellie picks her up, sleep sack dangling a bit, and holds her to her chest.

“Better adjust the thing,” she says, gesturing at the crib.

“Yeah.” Alec just stands there staring at it for a moment, briefly forgetting how.

“Screwdriver,” Ellie reminds him.

“Right.” He exits the room.

“Look at you, little bug,” she coos, going over to sit in the rocking chair. “Standing up like such a big girl, well done, though you did frighten Mummy and Daddy half to death, yes you did.”

Aila grabs at her dressing gown, trying to pull it away so she can access what she really wants.

“I know, I know.” Ellie pulls the dressing gown back and lets Aila nurse.

Alec returns with the screwdriver.

“Tom and Daiz are home,” he tells her. “Eatin’ cold pizza in the kitchen.”

“There’s a bloody lasagna in the icebox!”

He gets to work on the crib. “Teenagers,” he scoffs.

Once he’s made the necessary adjustments, he turns to them. “Won’t be makin’ any escapes now, my wee lass.”

Aila ignores him, beginning to drowse as she nurses.

“Only pretending now,” Ellie says with a laugh. “She’s asleep.” She stands and lowers the baby into her crib again. “That was an easy one.”

“Thank god.” He grabs Ellie’s hand. “Back to the bedroom now.”

As they exit the nursery, she stops him in the hallway. “Go down and get us some water, will you? Must hydrate.” She turns toward the bedroom. “Oh and something sweet. Bring back something sweet.”

*

“Mrs. Hardy, are you tryin’ to seduce me?”

She’s sprawled out on the bed stark naked like she’s posing to be drawn. He’s in the doorway holding two glasses of water and a packet of chocolate digestives.

“Is it working?”

He closes the door with his foot and immediately puts the water and digestives down on his nightstand. “You could be wearin’ a paper bag and it would work.”

He all but throws himself on top of her.

They choose a ribbed and dotted condom this time. The condom basket is beginning to feel like a game. To Ellie anyway. Alec remains largely unamused by it. She makes him put it on himself this time. “Grow a pair,” she tells him, then flops down on the bed from laughing so hard at herself.

She rides him for a while, her movements slow and deliberate, and he loses himself in the sight of her. She’s quite pleased by the _ribs_ and _dots_ , it seems, she’s moaning from a much deeper place than usual. When he can’t stand it anymore, he rolls them over, then rolls _her_ over, entering her from behind. He covers her body with his as he moves inside her, whispering _I love you_ in her ear. He drags his teeth along her shoulder blades then bites into the back of her neck. She cries out happily at the pain of it.

They nearly lose the condom when he has to pull out of her to change positions. She rolls onto her back and he adjusts it back in place, muttering obscenities, then guides himself back inside her. She touches her own breasts and he suddenly remembers that he now has permission to do what he’s been longing to do all night.

“Okay now?” He confirms with her, staring at her chest.

“Uh huh,” she replies, eyes closed.

He leans down and takes a breast in his mouth, sucking on her nipple. It’s beautiful timing, she’s nearly empty, but not quite, and he relishes the connection to her, especially when he’s simultaneously inside her. She arches her back happily, moving beneath him lithely. “Yes,” she whispers unconsciously. He’s unbearably aroused by it all. Then she moans his name and suddenly he’s close, he’s so close. He has to let go of her nipple because he’s panting so hard.

“Ellie.” He sits up, tightly gripping the back of her thighs, and starts thrusting deeper and faster. “Fuck.”

“Yeah.” She nods fervently, eyes still shut, back still arched.

“Ellie,” he says again, with more urgency.

Her hand travels between her legs and she starts rubbing her own clit to stay with him. “Yeah.”

“Oh god.”

“Harder,” she begs. He obliges.

The second he hears her begin gasping, he comes himself, shouting out her name. Her head is off the mattress now, hanging off the edge. Breathless, he pulls out of her then yanks her down by the thighs until she’s no longer in danger of sliding onto the floor.

“Jesus,” she mutters, covering her face with her hand.

He extricates the condom then ties off it and bins it before she can glance over and make another awkward remark about it. Then he collapses down beside her.

“You gorgeous creature,” he says.

“Oh that was _so_ nice,” she says serenely, eyes glazed over. “God I love you.”

He rolls onto his side and kisses her. “You.” He kisses her again. “Are perfect. Utterly.”

She grins back then looks at the ceiling, as if in awe of it. “I feel bloody amazing.”

“Isn’t sex great?”

They both laugh. Then she looks at him musingly.

“Say that again.”

He knows what she wants. “ _Great_ ,” he says again, overemphasizing his own accent.

“Ooh.” Her whole body shivers. She turns and pats his cheek. It reminds him of Aila. “You did good,” she says. “Sir.”

He kisses her nose. “Always a pleasure, Inspector.”

“You know what we need?” She turns onto her side, propping herself up on her elbow. “A good after hours office fuck.”

His eyes widen. “Been _ages_.”

“Honestly I think we ought to be _contractually obligated_ to shag at the office now and then, you and I,” Ellie says. “I _truly believe_ it makes us better at our jobs.”

“I’ll raise it to Jenkinson at our next meeting.”

“Thank you.” She rolls onto her back again, yawning. “God, I’m exhausted.”

He is too, but he hides it better than she does, always has. “Haven’t even had the honor of goin’ down on you yet,” he reminds her.

She chuckles softly. “You really are the perfect husband, you know.”

He scoffs. “Tell that to my ex-wife.”

Ellie drops her hand to his chest and absently caresses him with the back of it. “In the morning, perhaps?”

“If we’re up before the baby.”

“Or we can lock up my office door and close the blinds on our lunch break…” She looks at him mischievously.

“Just hide me under your desk.”

The _idea_ of it, just picturing it, makes Ellie a little weak.

He plants a kiss on her collarbone. “Be sure to wear a skirt tomorrow.”

“And no knickers.”

His whole body shudders. “And no knickers.”

She glances over at him and laughs suddenly. “How is it we’ve just shagged multiple times and still we’re utterly _melted_ by even the _idea_ of doing it again tomorrow.”

“That’s why it works, baby,” Alec says, lowering his voice and curling his upper lip.

She laughs again and kisses him. “Shower then sleep?”

He nods. “Shower then sleep.”

She stares at him adoringly. “Love you desperately.”

His fingers brush her jaw. “Love you even more’n _that_.”

Grudgingly, they haul themselves out of bed and into the ensuite.

“No funny business,” she warns him with a pointed finger as they step into the shower.

“Who, me?!”

***


End file.
